Sharing Silence & Non-Silent Sex:

I was telling my friend about how I'm baffled by the fact that I'm horny and don't desire sex, not with anyone except myself; I just want to masturbate.

My friend reminded of me "that" triangle. I know exactly which one he was referring to. It's one of my many favorites models from psychology. I present you Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs as an upside-down triangle:

1. On the bottom we have the physiological needs: food, water, shelter, sex. 
2. Safety: security, health, stability 
3. Love/belonging: friendships and a sense of community, relationships/intimacy, family. 
4. Esteem: self-respect, sense of value/contribution. 
5. On the top, self-actualization (whatever the fuck that means, jokes), it means you've reached your full potential, but seriously how will anyone ever know?! 

My desire for orgasm was purely physiological (primary need): a moment or two with my wand and a boost of endorphins for the road.

I suspect with everything on the next level being awry. I simply haven't had the energy to deal with anything involving my relationships with others. I even went to the extreme extent of trying to simplify my life by pushing away all those I care about. In case everything goes to Hell with me, I didn't want them to witness it. (Now, for the time being, I realize that's it's not my job to protect. I should be open, let others in, and see if they want to stay for themselves, instead of making choices for others. *I'll stop trying to be the Green Arrow*).

I had no desire for sex because with me & sex, it comes with intimacy (3rd tier I'm too preoccupied to deal with at the moment). I am a creative person, it means I'm constantly filled with immense passion and emotion. When it comes to people and people I'm into: I'm ragging with energy; they become a drug to me and it brings out the Succubus.

Out of the blue, I started to think about sex and I couldn't get it out of my head. Everything went back to sex.

There's only one dick I want but it's been so long: months. But that dick comes with so many thoughts... words. None of which need to be spoken because everything has already been "said".

So I did my best at satisfying my basic physiological needs (without getting into that 3rd tier shit)... my solution: a silent encounter.

Because honestly, every time I envisioned a physical encounter, I saw myself talking a lot. Crying, trying to explain the tears, not wanting to explain anything because the words have already been "said" via text *pathetic I know*.

The problem with me seeing myself talking and possibly crying, is my concern about the other person. I get so wrapped up in myself, as much as I'm going through stuff, I'm also not the only one who has shit on their plate. I fear occupying the silence with noise about me while I isolate another person into a repressed silent struggle that I've trapped them in. I don't want to be selfish, but on some level, it's simple biology: Darwinism.

I don't believe two parties can truly vent, stress and/or grieve simultaneously, without it multiplying and possibly imploding. So ultimately, the conversation is selfish because any one sided conversation is. Sometimes, we need to be left alone to lick our wounds because pity parties are never fun.

A silent encounter was exactly what I got. Everything I wanted to say, came out in the form of an action, expression, banter or noise, but we never spoke words. I'm not sure if I'd ever experienced such beautiful, serene bliss.

Perhaps it's because it's hard to be negative without the use of words. How can any action be pessimistic? An action can be hesitant at best.

To take away even the sense of speaking words, our minds are challenged to operate differently:

 “‎That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.” ― Pulp Fiction

Uploaded the only picture I've EVER taken of my tits covered in REAL cum to onlyBubs.com 

#happy4th

Bats:

Another drunken topless painting session on MFC. I later added a bridge and colored it in more.

Clark:

I've always loved Superman but I realized when the world sees a hero, we tend to forget the man. So I decided to ironically name this Superman piece "Clark".

I took this time-lapse 06/06/17 which is when this painting started. I love to get topless, drink and paint on cam.

I also like to sign certain pieces with my "DNA" previously saliva. This was the first piece I signed with my blood and then covered with white paint. By the time I signed this I was extremely intoxicated. But I find drunken topless painting sessions to be extremely therapeutic. I signed it with my blood because it's a way to authenticate a piece of artwork and I consider my art to be horcuxes, this only deepened the symbolism. The act of literally bleeding onto this canvas was the only thing I saw fit to do because of how I felt in that moment.

I've made some changes to the painting since this video was filmed while streaming on MFC. The cape was extremely dark and unfitting, so I lightened it up and cleaned him up a bit with a brush.

It currently hangs on my wall as I decide whether I want to work on it more or put it on etsy.

Eventually this will make it's way to abandonedbyBubs.com

Ticking Time Bomb:

People used to compare me to Inspector Gadget because I like to have a bunch of handy things on me.

Right now, I feel like that letter that self destructs.

I've quite honestly pushed away everyone I care about. Family, friends, models, members, everyone. All I can say, is I thought I was trying to protect those I love.

I know I said lots of mean things, but I felt like me hurting you all now, will hurt a lot less than letting you all stand by me and watch me destroy my self and my life. From my perspective, my reasoning, this might be the most selfless thing I have ever done.

I thought is it better to push people away, have then be mad or not like me now. Or let them stick by me as I downward spiral? I don't want to strap people I care about onto a sinking ship.

I randomly burst into tears when I think about some of the things I've said to people I love. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug me and tell me it will be ok. But yet I don't want to put that burden on anyone.

I know that wasn't my choice to make for others, but I can't stand the thought of dragging people I care about down with me. I don't want pity.

Crying in Asian cultures, especially in my family, it's not accepted. My grandma hates it and yells, my uncle laughs, my mom just freezes up, and me I cry more during things I watch than things I experience. I cry for others, I rarely cry for myself.

When I want to cry for myself, I was simply trained to do it alone. Not let anyone see. I find myself in tears a lot when I'm alone these days. It's why it's been nice to be around people. The company makes me try harder to keep myself together.

Yes, I need help, but I don't expect it from others when I don't even know how to help myself at this moment.

I just see myself as a ticking time bomb, I'm trying my best to be stable but in case I blow, I just want to detonate in peace. I don't want anyone around as collateral damage.

I wish I had the courage to apologize to everyone personally right now. But I simply can not let myself do that yet because I'm still not ok. I'll try to fix thing if I get better, but right now I'm trying to protect people in case I break.

Is it crazy for me to feel this way? Have I already lost my sanity?

Stripping 2.0:

I had a handful of models ask me about my experience in the strip club. Here's my take home:

Like a lot of jobs, there are it's ups and it's downs. I love being on stage, dancing, this sex kitten part of me comes out, my bedroom eyes are on, I can see who's attention I have, and I feel desired.

What I don't like the harassment. Some women are ok with it. It really just depends on the person and how you look at it.

I had one model comment and say how she couldn't be touched, but it's not always like that. There are a lot of women that go to the strip club and believe me, women go because they like women. Those are usually a slam dunk because most strippers ignore women. That's something that I know from going to strip clubs with a guy I was dating in college.

About 20-30% of my money was made from doing dances with other women, guys love that. Sometimes the men are attractive.

Some night can go by quickly while others drag on. People can be gross and that can happen every night. There's the potential for a lot of danger.

Being open about it gives others the opportunity to connect. I'm surprised at how many people opened up to me. The tones some people use when they ask their questions. It's pretty easy to hear the sound of support vs judgement.

I know I don't like it. I know it sucks. But the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Feeling down, looking down, everything feeds into itself. I had to do something different because I don't want that life for me. I wouldn't be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle as a stripper. I'm just a reckless drunk.

Whether you want/have to dance in a strip club, be aware of the dangers, the rules. Know how to stand up for yourself because I don't. Be smart, don't drink excessively which is something I simply have a hard time doing so I really don't like the idea of me going by myself because I make stupid choices, and even more when I'm drunk. Most importantly, you can never be too safe. I carry pepper spray and knife.

It's like balancing on a tight rope, the odds are not in your favor. But sometimes we do what we have to do to survive. Just make sure you don't ever do anything you that makes you not like the person looking back at you. Sometimes it takes some time and self analysis to figure out what our boundaries are but make sure you know where you stand.

You can be a happy stripper.

Stripping:

This is the third time I've tried stripping.

The first time, I was in town for Exxxotica about a year and a half ago. My friend told me she gave up camming for stripping. I was curious to find out why for my self. I tried for 1 night. I was so lost.

I later went back a few months later to strip again in December after my mom and I got into a fight about the topic during Thanksgiving. I worked Thurs-Sun.

This time around, I simply couldn't risk having another pay period where I don't make enough to cover my bills.

I danced Wed, Sat, Sun and Monday. Wed and Sat I spent most my first two nights doing double girl dances with either my friend or another girl that works there. Saturday I had a couple come in to see me because I met them last time I was in town. I adore them because they met when they were teenagers, been together nearly 40 years and only been with each other. She's bi-curious so I just dance for her. It was fun, my knees are all beat up as expected. But after working Sunday night, I woke up on Monday morning hungover, crying, and I couldn't stop crying.

I cried because I felt so empty on the inside. I used to call my former step dad the suit of a man. The tragic irony now is that I feel like the shell of a woman. I kind of just want someone to love so that I feel something again.

Last night I paid $45 just to get onto the floor to dance. Then, I kept getting people that would tell me they weren't interested without even me saying, "Hi" first. So I went for a cigarette, the first time I did that since I started working. There was a guy who wanted dances. He took me to the VIP section and during the course of 4 songs proceeded to take his dick out at which point I got up. I kept telling him I don't think that's ok, he kept telling me it's ok it's VIP. He said I didn't have to touch it, but then he kept on trying to get me to touch it and hold it.

I haven't seen or touched a dick in 2 months. I freaked out. I think about my time, those 4 songs, that 80 dollars and I just break down into tears. I ended up making less than $40 last night dancing.

On a good night, meaning good people, good money, it can be fun, exhilarating at times. But when it's bad. It's scary. Some girls are very assertive, extroverts, many enjoy it. If I can be topless on stage and never have to do dances that would be awesome. But it's just not for me. I don't am too much of an introvert to work in a club.

I keep asking myself, "Where did I go wrong? When did my life get like this? How did I let my life get like this?"

I keep wanting to call my mom and apologize to her. Tell her "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry you worked so hard as an only parent my whole life, had us live on an $88/month food budget so that you could save up money for my college and all I did was just throw it all away. I'm sorry that this is what I chose to do. You raised me better. You gave me everything, and you don't deserve to have your child tarnish your legacy. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be an artist.

I don't know when it all started to get so hard. I'm tired. I'm so so so fucking tired. I don't have a clue on how to turn things around.

I simply don't recognize myself anymore. I just want to be home, get drunk and paint. It's just a shame I can't make a living off of what I love to do.

I think it's time to truly start thinking about the next chapter of my life and what I want from this life of mine. This is not ok.  I haven't been doing well at camming for nearly 2 years now. I need to stop kidding myself in thinking it will get better.

My main concern at this moment is self-preservation. I am scared because I seem to be making really bad choices.

Birthday:

I was born on the same day as my grandma. It wasn't a coincidence, it was a planned c-section. I was her "birthday gift".

My mom left me in China to be raised by my maternal grandparents when I was 2yrs old. The Chinese tradition is to eat hard boiled eggs for breakfast the round shape symbolizes unity and continuity. Noodles for lunch, they are called longevity noodles, your suppose to make a single strand and make sure it's unbroken for a long life. Dumplings for dinner because of their shape looks like old money, it's suppose to symbolize good fortune and wealth.

Off the top of my head, I've had some very memorable birthdays, bowling parties as a kid. I turned 16 in Paris. Started drinking first thing in the morning on my 21st birthday so I could do 21 drinks in one day. On my 23rd birthday I went all out and had a different themed party for 5 days straight.

But then my mom and my stepdad got a divorce. Since the divorce, my ex stepdad texts me on my birthday like clock work, thus reminding me of the fact that he cheated on my mom, lied about it. Then got over 6 figures in their divorce because CA is a no fault state and my mom was the bread winner. I cry every time I get a text from him. Sometimes I ignore him. Sometimes I tell him to fuck off. But never do I not cry.

Then I started camming. When it comes to my birthday and camming, it's the only time I get pumped about my birthday. Else I'm pretty unenthused. But every year, I'm bummed that guys are still dicks despite the screenname "BdayBubs". I'm not sure why I expect them to treat me differently on my birthday.

One year, I dated a guy who didn't want to spend my birthday with me. It hurt but it gave me the motivation to make sure I make my birthday a good one myself. From then on, I just stopped relying on others to celebrate my day with me. If you think about it, it seems extremely self-centered to get all your family and friends together for a day to celebrate you.

This year, I was excited but as the weeks drew near, I got scared. I started questioning the direction my life is going. I tried to suppress those worrisome thoughts with smoking and drinking. It's just been a shit mess. I have just been a shit mess.

I didn't tweet begging for birthday presents or gift cards because I simply didn't want to face the possibility that what if I did tweet and got nothing? So I just didn't ask for anything also because I don't want any material possessions, I have enough stuff.

But still, I ended up crying twice from camming because of how mean some guys were.

I cried when my mom posted the sweetest slide show of pictures from my past, I mean there were pictures that were actual photographs, I don't know how long it took for her to get all that together. There were pictures of my grandpa, and I just lost it. Part of me died the moment I got that phone call on cam. There were pictures of one of my exs which I just found hilarious because him and my mom adore each other. He's almost like my brother in a sense because my mom views him as a son, and him and I have no romantic nor sexual feelings for each other.

I cried when my stepdad texted me because I remembered being in college, the guy I was dating was drunk and came over to my place where we just fought and he wouldn't leave. He pushed me to the ground around 4-5am and I called my stepdad, he was in town with his son and his brother, what my stepdad choose to do was call my bf at the time and leave him a "semi-threatening" voicemail. I texted my stepdad back and I asked, "What would you have done if I was really your daughter and a guy had laid hands on me? Just think about that the next time you want to text me."

I wept as I ate my longevity noodles, thinking about all the birthday meals my grandpa made me. He was the most beautiful person that ever lived. Sweet, thoughtful, not a man of words but actions. He never told me he loved me, but he would tell everyone that I am number one in his heart, and there was never a doubt in my mind that it was untrue because I could see it in his eyes. Unconditional love, is beyond words.

I called my grandma to wish her a happy birthday, she was happy but she spent the whole conversation telling horrible old stories of the biggest fight I've seen between my grandparents, I was there during that particular incident. All I recall is her hitting her head on the wall but it was an accident. Tears just kept coming down my face because my grandpa is my favorite person. I can't stand it when she talks shit about him, he's gone. Why does she have to attempt to taint my memory of him. My mom has even said to her, "How would you feel if people talk this way about you and your family when you die". It shut her up for the moment but she just turns around and starts saying the same thing on a different day. The stories are the same, verbatim, over and over. I've heard it so many times. It's why I never call her. She makes me livid with rage.

To be given to someone as a birthday present, that person being the person I despise most in the world, is what I call a curse.

Between having to talk to or even hear from the two people I dislike the most, my ex-stepdad and grandma on my birthday, I just cannot stand it. I think next year I'm going to turn my phone off for the day and maybe stop celebrating my birthday on cam all together.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite day, birthday is probably one of my least favorite.

I can't help but miss my grandpa.

#teamUnited:

So when this whole United thing happened, my friend was visiting from out of town and she was outraged. She wanted to boycott United and she was happy that their stock is down.

This article pretty much sums up my feels pretty neatly:
https://thepilotwifelife.wordpress.com/

I'm seeing people say how United's CEO should resign. How does that make sense? How many employees does United have? Should a CEO be liable for the actions and consequences for every single one of his employees? Did the CEO himself physically remove the man from the plane? Was the CEO responsible for the 4 crew members not having space?

This situation showed us that perhaps airlines need a better policy. Here's an idea, save 2-4 seats open and fill them with waitlist once you know you don't need those seats. United is not the only airline that has this policy where they can remove people if need be. They are just the airline that had a man cause so much of an issue over it.

Most would have probably taken the voucher where they don't have to resort to selecting people to bump. The majority of the masses would have just left when the law enforcement got involved. After all, you are on a fucking God damn plane. Shit gets real on there. I don't even dare say the word bomb in any context.

Analogy: First, restaurants have a "We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service". We as patrons are not guaranteed goods or services even if we have the money. Same as just because we bought the ticket doesn't mean we are entitled to the voyage if the seat is needed.

Second, If a restaurant has been busy all day and the staff needs to eat, yes the restaurant needs to be better staffed and better prepared. But if the staff is starving or need a break, how can anyone deny them that?

We have to have some empathy and understand that no company nor person can predict all the variables, especially one as complex as aviation travel. Flying is traveling in the 3rd dimension. At an airport where planes are constantly landing and taking off. It's a very intricate dance that these big machines do to avoid collision. Weather is a huge undetermined variable. I was once on a plane where the printer in the cockpit did not work and they we were waiting for people to deliver a print out.

I'm normally very non-confrontational, if I don't agree with someone, I just stay quiet. Hillary vs Trump, team Hillary all the way, but one of my best friends was a Trump so I just kept my mouth shut.

So many people are outraged by United and I don't agree. United got put into a bind, and they acted according to written policy. No human should be dragged like an animal, but no civilized person should disobey law enforcement when it comes to aviation regulations. United was a host, it happened on their turf, they started it, but the outcome was all on the man and law enforcement alone. I simply cannot take all the United hate anymore. So I'm speaking up. I hope they do not suffer from this.

The One I Lost "It" To:

Denver, in combination with my 6 year mfc cam anniversary, the sheer amount of awesome models, I'm just overwhelmed.

On a personal level, I stayed with a friend of mine. I've known my friend since I was 11, we had classes together in the 6th grade. We then went to different schools there after but we reconnected in high school. I volunteered then later worked for a chiropractor's office and his dad used to be one of the doctors there.

In my senior year of high school I went to prom with his friend, him and I hooked up, I was his first kiss at age 19. We dated, he was my date to my senior prom. We even went on a trip to SF with my mom. After we graduated, we ended up losing our virginities to each other.

When I decided to have sex with him, I just wanted to be 80 and not regret who I lost it to. Part of me tries to preserve our platonic relationship because I want to make sure it stays that way.

It sounds all sweet and romantic but this was all in the course of a few months. He went off to bootcamp, I went off to college. When he returned from bootcamp we broke up. It lasted 7months, bootcamp included.

I met my college bf while he was in bootcamp. Yeah, I cheated on him while he was away at bootcamp with the college guy. I'm ashamed of it but he says he's over it. I was with the college guy for nearly 4 years. Meanwhile, he started dating a mutual friend. He was with our friend for God knows how long but it was too long for their own good.

Him and I hooked up once after college, I was single, he was not. I was not aware. The fact that he cheated on our friend with me, was kind of one of those things that made me tell myself to never be with this guy... ever. Not sexually, not romantically, I mean EVER. Perhaps in a weird way, we're even, if one were to keep score but I try not to do so.

This was long ago, before camming. I'm pretty sure that fact that I cam is one of the reasons he would never want to be with me, but that's inconsequential because I know it'd never happen for me.

Anyway, mom adores him, he loves her too. They are friends on Facebook. Him and I talk, he checks in on me. We care for each other. But we have no desire to be with each other in a romantic way. Me personally, the sex was just ok. He's a great guy, just can't imagine being married to the guy.

During the weekend models would ask where I was staying, it was hard to say my friend, or my ex? If I said ex, they'd ask if we still fuck. No. No thank you. I don't want that dick at all. If I say it's my friend, I feel like it doesn't fully explain the situation either. Not sure why I felt like I needed to explain anything but I overshare when I feel awkward in social situations.

My friend/ex is currently very happy in his relationship. I'm so happy for him because I've never heard him talk about this girl the way he talks about others. Before he's always known they were not "the one".

So I met her pretty much almost the moment I arrived on Thursday, we went out to lunch. With the high altitude, I had 2 beers before leaving, 1 during lunch and I was wasted. I don't think I made a good impression because after lunch, he dropped me off and I didn't see him again until Saturday. He came back to shower and change.

Prior to me visiting, he told me how he's never stayed at her place because she doesn't let him. Now that I'm visiting, he's not home at all.

Sunday I saw him for about an hour, 2 tops, where he drove me around to aerial studios to pass out fliers. Then took off again. That was the last I saw of him. A person I've known for 2/3rd of my life, I see him for a mere few hours in 5 days.

I made him a pot of chicken and potatoes before I left but it was because I thought to myself, what would your mom do? She loves to feed him and she'd make him food. It always makes me feel like a proper guest to make feel for my hosts when I'm staying over at their place. Hopefully she didn't take it the wrong way.

I just hate how I caused him so much trouble. If I had known his gf was going to be so not ok with me staying there, I wouldn't have gone. I would have just skipped Denver. We've known each other for over 2 decades, dated for 7 months, 3 or 4 of which where he was not even there. There's absolutely no chance of us having sex. What's the big fucking deal?

Like I told him, we know what goes on between the two of us, and we both know we don't feel that way about each other. But I don't know what it's like to be her, how she might feel. I'm not even sure how I would feel if I were in her shoes. I just wish for his sake that she trusted him. She doesn't know me, but she knows him.

I guess I do to and I've always thought he was kind of a cheater. Not necessarily physical but he dates, has his gf and he always has a female best friend that the gf is always worried about. I had my insecurities with this one girl. My friend had it with another girl. Now this girl is insecure about someone else, besides me. So perhaps she's justified to feel insecure because he has the tendency to not be friends with his gfs. For example, he confides in his female friends but not his gf. He will put his chick friends before his gfs, so perhaps that's what I need to remember. Is how shitty it felt when he would run off to go take care of his crying friend who's bf was a dick.

He seems to be a lot better now than before. At least he's putting her feelings first by avoiding me. Still part of me feels bad. I wonder how much it had to do with me being an ex. I wonder if it had to do with the fact that I'm a camgirl and she doesn't want him around a "sex worker".

I tried to tell when we were alone that he talks about her differently than anyone he's ever dated, but I was kind of wasted off 3 beers and I don't think it came off the right way.

He's the only person on my speed dial that's not my mom nor uncle. There are 3 people on this Earth that I have on my favorites list in my phone. I think I'm just afraid to lose the only non-family member on that list.

Maybe the problem is I need to work on my personal relationships with others so that I have other meaningful friendships.

Just a rant about some personal things that bothered me about my Denver trip. I can't identify the emotion I feel from it and my confusion is adding to my birthday blues.

#lifegoals

When I was 8yrs old, I spent a winter attending 3rd grade in Kansas. Yes, the fucking state of Kansas. Theres nothing wrong with it, it's just flat, very flat. It's also conservative, which makes it an interesting setting for the rest of this story.

There were two girls who were best friends, and they both had a crush on the same boy.

*uh oh* Right?

Turns out, this boy had a crush on both girls.

Next thing I knew, the three of them were sharing one single seater couch in the library, sharing the same book.

#lifegoals

Fin.

Race:

I was born in China, lived there till I was 7. Then moved to Toronto and became Canadian. Then moved to the US where I am now an American citizen.

When I go back to China, people can sense I'm a foreigner and I get charged more for things than other Chinese people.

Here in the US, everyone sees me as an Asian girl. I once went to a country bar in Arizona where I simply just felt like a person, then when I was in the women's restroom, I looked in the mirror and I was made aware of the color of my skin.

Growing up in the US, there just weren't a lot of Asians in the media, there's white culture and black culture. If there are too many white people on a show, they throw in a token black guy. But rarely did I ever see an Asian person in the media. The complaints of the lack of African Americans that are up for the Oscars, well what about the fact that they used a white guy to be in a movie about the Great Wall? I listened to hiphop and rap growing up because I knew I wasn't white, so I tried to identify with black culture. I cried when "Fresh Off the Boat" aired because for the first time, I could relate and I felt understood.

I once met a person where they asked me 3 questions, "What's your nationality", "Do you speak Chinese", and "Have you ever been to China". This person had no other questions for me.

I simply have this feeling that I don't fit in, in any country. 

I love my cultural background. I'm proud to be Chinese, the 2008 Olympics brought tears to my eyes because we showed the world how hard working we are. The beauty of the choreography at the opening ceremony, the uniformity of the dance, was awe-inspiring.

I've traveled all over the world, S Korea, Japan, France, Switzerland, Netherlands, England, UAE, there's so much beauty in the different cultures, but everywhere I go, I simply see the beauty of humans.

One of the reasons I love NYC is because it's so diverse that I don't feel like I'm Asian, nor do I see people for their race, I just see people.

Online, on a near daily basis, I get asked the question "What type of Asian are you?". Some even say, "It's ok because I'm also Asian". Do caucasians get asked "What type of white are you?", or black people get asked "What type of African are you?", perhaps, but not as frequently as Asians get asked "What type of Asian are you?". Sometimes people say "You are tall for an Asian", or "You have big boobs for an Asian". I am even bothered by the fact that people ask if I have a black toy, which I do, but the fact that color matters, I think it's sad. I simply wish people would stop defining one another by their race because we are all homo sapiens.

Race is something that was formed due to natural selection and lack of migration, but technology, the invention of airplanes has made it so that we as humans have the ability to live and visit wherever we want. The advancements and intelligence of human life is simply beautiful.

The amount of interracial reproduction is creating so many mixed race babies and they are generally GORGEOUS. Whether it's half white/black, white/asian, black/asian, white/hispanic, etc. It's so unique and glorious to see the combination of different cultural backgrounds be brought together in the form of a new life.

I cannot wait for the day where humans have evolved to the point where we are all mutts and we just see each other as humans and not for our race.

Please don't make this an argument when I am just sharing my perspective and how I feel. Thank you for taking time to read this and I hope that people can understand where I am coming from.

Fin.

Humbled:

April 1st will mark my 6th complete year on MFC. I've been non-nude in public chat for the majority of these 6 years. Last year this time, I experienced a very traumatizing situation where the aggressor turned out to be one of my top supporters.

In this year I've experienced the most love and model support: ever. Models whom have opened their arms, hearts and homes to me.

I've met models who are so secure with what we do, they just glow with beauty and self-esteem. I admire that so much.

In this time, I've been struggling more than I have ever financially, so I made the choice to move away from being a non-nude model. I'm quite proud of this change because I was born and raised in a very conservative Chinese culture. I'm starting to feel proud of my body instead of shame, but this is not a linear experience. Bad days get to me and I feel very insecure.

Last night I went on the Twitter rant because I felt lost in regards to how to be a nude model in public chat. The response from models was flooring. I instantly had so many models tweeting me, telling me their experience and making suggestions. It gave me so many ideas, and more importantly, it gave me Hope.

Today I woke up feeling refreshed, but I also realized, I don't think I quite fully understood just how lucky I was to have had the success that I did in the past.

So 6 years later, I am still learning, growing, and trying to be a better me. Thank you all so much for your support. For the first time in a long time, my tears are out of joy and appreciation.

Broken:

Lately I've felt like a broken water vase that's been glued back together, but the glue is weak and the pressure of the water on the cracks is heavy. I try my best to keep myself together, be beautiful and unbroken but I feel like I'm barely keeping myself together.

I appreciate my life, the people in my life, and my job or jobs. I am grateful of the fact that I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm but I feel like I'm slipping. I've been breaking down into tears, not just tears but sometimes full on cries from the top of my lungs. I smoke a cigarette before I get on cam out of anxiety about how my shift will go because a lot of the times, I am unable to kill 400-550tkn topless topics in hours of time.

I'm not sure how to turn this around. I so desperately want to be successful on MFC but I'm starting to feel like it's me. That I am not good enough. I feel so lost and I no longer know what to do.

I'm trying my best, but I'm feeling like it's not good enough. That I, am not good enough. I'm trying to keep my head high and smile through my pain. I've been praying for things to get better.

I know that I'm smart and strong, so if I do break I am not inept of putting myself back together. In China, empresses are represented by a phoenix, and like a phoenix I know I can rise from the ashes... because it's what I do.

But how many times do I have to be burned and resurrected?

I'm losing hope that things will ever turn around. Losing faith in myself.

Humility:

I don't think I've ever realized just how insecure I am, how much it impacts me, and my life. It comes out in the form of jealousy, I drink to feel confident, and I'm sure in many ways I am unaware of. My critical inner voice just holds me back so much. I don't understand why people would like me which makes me push them away if they do. I read somewhere that insecurity should be viewed as humility because it's the opposite of the sin "pride". This is my attempt to break down some of the critical things I say to myself in an effort to let it all go:

• You’re stupid. (My mom used to keep telling me she'd never seen anyone as stupid as me)
• You’re unattractive. (I call this ugly duckling syndrome because I was not a cute kid)
• You’re a failure. (This is probably an Asian thing)
• No one will ever love you. (because I don't love me)
• You’re fat. (Another Asian thing)
• You’re such a loser. (Yeah being Asian means being constantly compared to others)
• You’ll never be able to quit drinking (smoking etc). (I take pride in being an alcoholic because my favorite person was)
• What’s the point in even trying? (I try to better myself but I'm not sure it pays off at all)
• You don’t know what you’re doing. (I feel so lost with camming, like I just don't know how to be a financially successful camgirl)
• Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful. (I honestly believe that I would never be able to make MissMFC)
• You’re under too much pressure. You can’t take it. (Simply feel like I'm cracking and barely keeping myself together)
• You’ll never get everything done. You’re so lazy. (I procrastinate)
• You should just put this off until tomorrow. (Hard core)
• No one appreciates you. (It's why I ban people that don't talk, they make me feel insecure)
• You’d better be perfect, or no one will tip you (I make sure I look my best before I get on cam)
• Nobody likes you here. (I constantly feel like this when I'm online)
• Put your work first. Don’t take time for yourself. (It's what my grandma's always said work comes first, you can worry about yourself later)
• When are you ever going to get a real job? (The social stigma of camming gets to me)
• No one would hire you. (I have a huge gap on my resume)
• You’re never going to find another person who understands you. (Even if I did, I fear I'd end up getting abandoned)
• Don’t get too hooked on him. (I get totally crazy)
• He doesn’t really care about you. (My grandma used to always tell me guys want one thing, is to get in between your legs)
• He is too good for you. (Yeah I think like this a lot)
• You’ve got to keep him interested. (My mom once told me everyone she's ever been with has cheated on her or she was the other woman. "Men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it" were her exact words). 
• You’re better off on your own. (I am Holly Golightly, put myself in a cage). 
• As soon as he gets to know you, he will reject you. (I don't really let people get close to me because I fear they will leave me)
• You’ve got to be in control. (Being in control keeps my feelings protected)
• It’s your fault if he gets upset. (I constantly feel the need for approval and that it's my job to make people happy)
• Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt. (I know I have a huge romantic heart but it is protected by layers and layers of walls)

I'm kind of just exhausted at how much I beat myself up and how much I let myself put me down. Maybe it's because I've let the pace of my chatroom dictate my own self worth, perhaps it's because I've always been insecure. But I really need to stop.

Do you feel insecure? How do you overcome it?

I feel like I'm trapped with my own worst enemy. 

Jealousy:

I have the tendency to get enraged with jealousy. To deal with it, I start drinking an obscene amount of alcohol because that jealousy leads to a very critical inner voice and I'm trying to mute it with intoxicants.

The jealousy makes me feel insecure, inadequate, worthless, subpar, unattractive, undesired. I simply can't stop beating myself up emotionally. I start comparing myself and I feel like absolute shit.

It is completely toxic and simply destructive.

So in an effort to combat this negative critic inside my head, I'm going to induce some self therapy by stating things I like about myself: 

I love my creativity, it seeps out into every aspect of my life and everything I do. On top of the drawing and painting, I also enjoy making things with my hands, jewelry, clothing, food.

I'm clever and have a way of MacGyvering things in time of need. I'm quite proud of my wits in that sense.

My anxiety and slight agoraphobia makes me late but I'm extremely over prepared. Which sometimes makes me the go to person when someone needs something. Me being able to help others in need justifies my fears. So I don't see it as a bad thing.

I really like to try new things and I consider myself a collector of experiences.

I have this uncanny ability to be good at a lot of random things I try.

When I hit a bucket of balls at the driving range, I am extremely consistent, admittedly I don't hit very far but it's pretty much always straight.

When I tried shooting guns, I found out my aim is impeccable.

I spent 8 years of my life learning how to play the piano, till this day I am grateful my mom forced me to practice, making me pay her $6/day that I didn't practice.

I like my eclectic fashion sense, sometimes classy, sometimes sexy, sometimes fierce, but it always says something about how I feel.

I like my boobs. Superficial but I fucking love boobs.

I love that I'm loyal, loyalty is hard to find sometimes.

I'm extremely sensitive, it can be a blessing and a curse, but I'd rather feel everything than nothing at all. My sensitivity makes me acutely aware of how others are feeling. It comes in handy when I'm online and people PM me. I can feel the underlying tone of things and read between the lines.

I like being masculine in a woman's body. Liking things like sports, guns, cars and women while being feminine, dressing girly and doing feminine things like cooking. It makes me feel well rounded.

I like that I am impulsive, it brings spontaneity to my life despite it's connection to chaos.

I'm proud of the fact that I have an IQ of 153, tested post college. I tested 144 in college and 144 in high school. It makes me believe that I will be ok even if I weren't a camgirl.

I like that I'm a horrible liar, which makes me lie far less frequently than a lot of people I know.

I am a people pleaser, I always put other before myself. This can be damaging to myself but it's better than being selfish.

I have an addictive personality, but I see it as passion. When I love, I love obsessively and hard. It could be seen as a bad thing but I think it's better than being unable to care.

I am independent, and I know I can survive.

I am a visual person, it can make me shallow but I also am constantly aware of the beauty in our world. For example, how beautiful the sky looks right before the sunrises, or after it sets. I love the colors of the different seasons. I notice the lines and structure of buildings. I break everything I see down to colors and shapes, imagining how I would paint/draw it. Being able to stop and see how beautiful the world is, makes me happy, and it makes me want to share my point of view with others in hopes that they will see the beauty like I do and be happy as well.

All I want, is to inspire others the way that I feel inspired.

I know my blogs can be extremely candid, open and honest. Maybe it's too much information for some, but I hope by admitting my own flaws, someone may read this and recognize these destructive behaviors in themselves and I can help someone in the process of helping myself. 

I don't really know how to start talking to strangers in my room that don't talk to me. So I hope by sharing and being vulnerable, you can relate and perhaps you will be more inclined to talk to me if you understood me more. 

Kinks:

I started camming 8/3/10. I started on MFC 4/1/11, in fact I'm going to be spending my 6 year MFC cammiversary at Denver Exxxotica.

These last 6-7 years have mainly been about you, what you like and what you want from me.

Let me take some time to tell you about me because people rarely ask.

I love threesomes, I'm up to about 7 of them. 1 BGGG foursome, and attended a very upscale sex party. In fact I'm craving an orgy.

There's nothing more stimulating than the thought of satisfying a cock I like with my mouth, and having it cum down my throat. Morning BJs and road head are my two favorites. Followed by risky public BJs.

I consider the first kiss between two people who are mutually attracted to one another to be extremely arousing. The mystery of the unknown is completely intoxicating.

It's hot when someone lets me suck on their tongue. But perhaps I just like sucking in general.

I love straddling a hard-on in jeans.

I'm sadistic as fuck. I love to spank really hard, not with my hands, preferably a loop paddle or crop. Violet wands are so much fun, especially when the person is blindfolded. I'm a tease and I love to torture.

I can't help but bite, it might be from my love of vampires.

I've spent 5 days of my life working as a stripper, I hated it. I loved being topless on stage, but the small talk and lap dances were so weird.

I don't like to openly share my kinks because I prefer to keep it classy and mysterious.

I love to dress up and role play, daddy daughter is my favorite, it's ironic because I grew up without a dad.

I hate ice play but I love wax.

I love to tease with knives. I'm also attracted to people with scars from self inflicted wounds.

I love the smell of cologne on men. If I were blind, that might be all I need to get me to fuck.

I am shallow as hell, looks are important to me. I once opened a guy's cam, told him he was a panty dropper. He booked the next flight out and we fucked the day after. This makes me prone to fucking douchebags.

I sometimes need to be mentally aroused by someone who's hot and intellectual in order to want to fuck them.

I am a feminist and hate misogynistic men, but I do take pride in my cooking. It makes me feel feminine.

I've fucked 2 guys in the ass. 1 with a strap-on, one with a dildo. I did not get consent for the second one and that turns me on.

I feel lucky I was born a woman or else I wouldn't be able to get away with a lot of the things I do.

I love to be in control, sometimes my dom and sadistic side comes out when I'm drunk and I have the tendency to want to inflict a lot of pain.

In my 30+ years, I've always hated admitting that I occasionally do sub.

Sometimes I crave to be tied up, but to this date, I've only trusted one person to do it.

I like spanks on occasion, but it has to be even or else it drives me insane.

It's been years but I love to be choked during sex, but I've only had two people ever do so. I also like to choke but most of the time I can't bring myself to do it.

I love to knee and/or kick a guy in the balls, it makes me feel powerful. I do not want to do this to every man I know. Just to some. It really depends on the person to be honest.

I also like to back hand guys, especially when I'm drunk.

I once had a guy in my bunny mask lick my shoes, I got so fucking wet from that.

I want a beautiful innocent house with a dungeon.

I love to treat the person I want to the best of my ability. It makes me feel useful. For them, I will be my best self.

I treasure being the little spoon, it makes me feel safe and loved.

I enjoy watching, it's relaxing.

Trannys and drag queens turn me on because I love the beautiful face of a woman and the dick of a man. I am a pansexual.

Teacher-student role play turns me on too. In fact I had fantasies about my high school teachers and getting fucked on their desk. It's why I used to wear a lot of school girl like outfits in high school. Which is also the first thing I wore on cam: a school girl outfit.

Nurse, french maid, secretary, you name it, I probably love it.

Every naughty and/or bad thought I have is covered up with a giggle or smile. Sometimes I smile A LOT. That's when you know I'm up to no good.

I love androgynous or gender fluid women.

I love boobs, big, small, real, implants, I don't give up fuck as long as they are symmetrical.

I lust to attend a sex party with a cock on a leash.

I have the tendency to dig my nails into flesh when I am turned on and/or grip onto something when I'm cumming.

I love matching lingerie, bra, panties, and stockings.

I'm obsessed with lipstick and seeing my lipstick on people I like.

I love a man in uniform. Fuck me all day, every day.

I need to have multiple orgasms, one is never enough.

I love the thrill of sexual acts in public, not in front of people but the risk of getting caught always elevates my heart rate.

I'm insecure and possessive. If I like, I need to know it's mine. It's why I love obedient pets. They make me feel secure.

I love surprising someone I care about with a spontaneous sex acts because I'm easily bored and I need to keep things interesting for myself.

It is so arousing to have my toes sucked but I would never ask anyone to do it because it could be viewed as "gross".

I really don't like anal, yet I keep trying to like it. Definition of insanity.

I love a man on his knees, and even more when he begs.

I can be very hypocritical. But I don't mean to be, but it's an internal conflict of how I want to be seen and how I really am.

I love to seduce and be seduced.

I enjoy eating pussy because as they say in basketball, it's home court advantage.

My fantasies run wild at the sight of a collar on a person.

I love giving someone a good massage, it doesn't even have to be sexual. I just like making people feel good. But I hate being asked for a massage, it irritates the Hell out of me.

I love a combination of lace and leather, it's very symbolic of my personality.

In some aspects of my life, I am a creature of habit, but when it comes to sexual things, I can get bored very easily.

I love posing for photoshoots, it makes me feel sexy and desired.

I enjoy making a girl squirt for me.

I get super turned on when a cock is about to cum, the balls get tight, and the dick reaches is peak hardness.

Food is love. If I don't want to fuck you, I definitely don't want to feed you. If I want to feed you, I care, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to fuck you. Ironic eh?

As much as I've shared, I love to keep things a mystery so there are still things I keep to myself because telling you would ruin the surprise. The knowledge of me keeping something others may like to myself makes me feel secure, in control and powerful. So no matter what, I will always have another trick up my sleeve.

Curious if I like something you do? Just tell me, or ask! I love discovering new kinks. I don't judge because there are very taboo things I'm into that I don't feel comfortable sharing. I find it all entertaining whether I'm into it or not.

When it comes to camming, I love to get paid to orgasm. I love roleplaying. I don't like public shows because I'm a people pleaser and I know not everyone likes the same thing. I do however love how personal privates are.

Cracking:

My mom called me and left a voicemail for me to call her back.

So I did.

She told me that she's moving to SF in March and I need to go back to LA before that to move my stuff from her garage.

In the time of a 10 minute phone call, I felt like my whole world came crashing down.

I've been trying to stay afloat in a boat that is leaking, struggling desperately to fill the leaks, and now I just feel like I'm drowning. I need help, and I don't even know where to begin.

I can't even begin to imagine taking time off of cam to go back yet again.

From now on, I'm bringing my A game, or else I won't be on cam.

Let's do this!

Cleanse:

A week with mom's cooking and then Vegas... my body is in dire need of detox and a cleanse.

A friend of mine just got done with a 7 day master cleanse. Though it might have been a good idea prior to Vegas, I was with mom, then I would have had to ease out of it and gradually go back to solid food. Which wouldn't have been the smartest thing when I knew there was going to be a lot of drinking in Vegas.

Now that I'm home, I was feeling icky and bloated. Icky in the way I am after a lot of conventions. I assume it's from the sheer amount of people that my immune system is not used to coming in contact with normally. Bloated in the sense that I was eating to drink, but I was eating things my body is not used to eating.

Before Vegas, I was on a strict diet, noodles for breakfast as my form of carbs, snacking on hard boiled eggs, and lots of protein from tuna, chicken, and beef, with lots and lots of water. One model commented that I lost a lot of weight. That's cool I guess.

My time spent with my mom was just full of rice, mmm rice. Mom's cooking is just so awesome.

Vegas was a bit of a blur and that was awesome.

But my body hates me.

As I am worried about jumping into a liquid diet, I decided to ease into it with something more feasible, soup in combination with the lemonade.

To put my it lightly, meeting someone who is into my kinks, it brought out the sadistic part of me I prefer to keep locked away. It's a part of me I have to try to suppress. I was starting to feel like I may not have the discipline to fight it because of how good it felt to let it out.

This cleanse is mainly about regaining my self control. Re-establishing my will power.

For how much I love food and eating, I feel like I'm about to get super grumpy. But I'm letting this be a test of strength.

Wish me luck!

Heart:

I don't want to say it's because I'm Chinese or Asian but I was raised, taught, and even pressured to use my head, use my brain, and do what's smart.

The first thing I aspired to be was an artist, my mom's response was, "Artists don't make money. You are going to starve to death".

I grew up believing that following my heart is irrational and I am afraid of it.

Even after college I felt conflicted because I was debating between law school and going to school for shoe design. I did neither because of how torn I felt by that conflict and battle of the rational brain vs irrational heart.

Being a camgirl makes me feel liberated. The privates I have done, feeling like I am in a safe place to express myself without judgement or the possibility of someone I know watching me in public chat, makes me feel not only adored for all of who I am, but honest and true to myself.

Someone once told me, "You know you are doing the right thing when your head and heart agree".

This job is one of the few choices I have made and keep making on behalf of how I feel: my heart. My head questions my decision from time to time, or sometimes all the time. but my heart is always been with camming.

To anyone else that can empathize with how I feel, I try to remind myself that "I sincerely doubt that people have regrets about following their heart."

I feel this way because I know I am an old soul. I've experienced more than many because of my desire and recklessness to explore. I have lost the only person in this world I knew for sure that loved me unconditionally. The love my grandpa had for me, the look in his eyes, I will spend my life to find it again and I'm grateful I had the courage to tell him that before he passed.

My mom is my role model because of her strength and independence. The things I have experienced in my life, they have conditioned me to be "strong when all is wrong". I think it's about time for me to trust my own strength. I tell myself to let some of my guards down so I can be open to new people without judging them based on the actions of others in my past because I know the amount of emotional pain I can endure.

There's been change because I have felt the change, but it's been hard to express until now.

I know I keep saying this but I am unable to achieve any of it without the tippers that have supported me financially because you enable me to keep on this path.

I love my tippers because I am starting to love myself, truly appreciate my life, and I couldn't have done this without you and your generosity. Thank you.

Enlightenment:

In my 6+yrs of camming, it's been a roller coster. I have felt completely ashamed, turned off and utterly disgusted with myself as a camgirl.

But 2016, the nightmares I've had to battle, I finally feel... secure.

Models have stepped forward to look out for me as a friend and not just a coworker.

I realized how my friends from camming (models, members, and those I've met through being in "the industry) understand me more than anyone I've ever met.

I feel like I am right where I need to be.

I feel... complete.

Recognizing I am part of a community that appreciates all of who I am as a person is the most liberated I have ever felt.

I'm starting to feel courageous enough to just be me, versus let people see what I want them to see. The self censoring is exhausting, it's not real.

As much as I have tried to show people my personality and quirks via having a non- nude public chat room, it's been really boring.

I'm not sure where this journey will take me, but I feel new. I not only feel like a new model, but I feel like a new person.

I need to give a shout out to the members who support me financially because without your financial support that keeps the roof over my head as you pay for my rent. I would have switched careers and I would be living a life where I am pretending to be someone I'm not.

2016 was difficult. It was painful. But the turmoil and conquests have made me stronger.

I hope you will stick around and keep supporting me so I can continue my path of self discovery in order to be the truest, most honest and sincere version of myself.

AVN:

I'm probably going to be writing a lot of AVN posts after things really start to settle in.

This was by far the most intense convention I've ever attended/worked. The sheer amount of models, emotions, ESTROGEN, love, SUPPORT, just so overwhelming in the best possible way.

I've always preferred to keep a low profile because to me, camming was my dirty little secret. I would go to conventions to desensitize myself from the craziness and get used to the idea that: "this is my reality".

In this last year, so much has changed. How I feel about my job, the confidence I feel because I just know the most like-minded people I know, I've met through camming.

Meeting girls like BabeVonDetta, RedChasten, and the other ladies I had on the MFC snap takeover was my way of recognizing their confidence and sharing how much they live and love their life as a camgirl.

This was the very first convention I went to where so many models saw me and knew who I was. I felt absolutely honored that ladies enjoyed the snap takeover because I had snap remorse after it. I feared it was too deep and not entertaining enough, but the response from the models I met was incredible.

I love not having to pretend like I am a good girl. I haven't broken out of the many layers of concealment because I'm an introvert and socially awkward but I am getting there.

I've enjoyed knowing how freaky I am, and keeping it all to myself while letting certain people experience bits and pieces through sexual experiences and private shows. But what I've shown lately... my sex kitten side, it feels right to let people see some of the things I've kept private.

I feel enlightened. I feel like myself. I feel happiest than I have ever and it's because of the people in my life that I've met through camming.

I understand that I can't do this alone. I can't do this without the love and support of members, models, and the people in my life that I simply adore.

Flashpoint:

"Accept the things you cannot change. Have the courage to change the things you can... and have the wisdom to know the difference."

I often try not to stress over the things that are out of my control because I know that the only thing I can control is myself. I wanted to be a psychologist, and was a psych major in college because I wanted to help people. But through seeing a therapist in college, I realized people can only change themselves. This realization discouraged me from that path of being a psychologist. From there, I was lost.

I like camming because I am in control.

It's really easy to be in control when it's just me, myself and I. But when others are involved, I don't know what happens to me; I have the tendency to lose myself.

When people start getting close to me, whether it's in my personal life or through camming. I start freaking out.

The only part of that equation I can control: is myself.

I need to be better disciplined in controlling my feelings. Control that feeling of anxiety that I get when I let my guards down because I need to realize how strong I am.

I've already lost the person I love the most in this world, and I survived. My grandpa was the only person in this world, who loved me unconditionally. It's taken me years to learn to live with that pain and for that I am stronger.

I can't control what others do. But I can control what I do. I try to look out for myself by protecting myself but I can't be like Holly Golightly and keep myself locked in a I built myself.

I can't control what people say to me, but I can control how I react and how it makes me feel.