Christmas:

My first Christmas as a camgirl, I was fighting with my mom so I worked on Christmas. From then on, working on Christmas just became a thing.

Today will be my 7th Christmas on cam.

This year, my mom wanted to buy me a winter coat, my reply was get me a gift card for groceries because I'm a starving artist. Instead, she didn't get me anything. Nothing from my uncle. Nothing from members I know. I just treasure RedChasten and her members that came into my room to wish me Merry Christmas the other day, I'm not sure they know just how much that meant to me.

But to be honest, I didn't expect anything, and that is the reason I didn't even bother begging for anything. If people rarely tip when I'm working, I don't expect them to want to buy me anything for the holidays either.

I honestly just don't really like Christmas. I don't like how it forces people to get each other things, and then the lack of presents makes a person feel bad. What is the point of gifting? My favorite day of the year is Thanksgiving.

To me Christmas is just another day of the year, a day where there are less girls online and guys have a better chance at discovering me. That is my gift on Christmas.

I'm grateful for the people who thought about me and wished me Merry Christmas via Twitter and text.

I woke up to one text message, in caps filled with the enthusiasm of a child, and it was the only one I wanted to see. I can't ask for more.

I'm going to make the most of today and get ready for my Christmas camathon with zero expectations so I don't get my hopes up and get disappointed. That's kind of been my motto since I was a kid.

Grief:

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream that I don't recall, except this quote,

"We often try to find meaning in death, where instead we should look for meaning in life." 

I took this to mean, sometimes people die and we wonder why, but instead we should look for the meaning of the life they lived.

In the beginning of this year, my mom's best friend's daughter took her own life. This tragedy was followed by the passing of my childhood best friend's mom from cancer. I was in a severe state of depression because I kept wondering "why"? Why do good people have to die so early?

This quote made me realize that I shouldn't dwell on why they died, but why they lived. I should focus on the impact they had when they were alive.

Focus on the legacy they leave behind, and remember to live my own life with meaning.

Some wonder what is the meaning of life? The way Stephen Hawking explains it is, it is unique to our species that we even ponder on the question "why". The meaning of life, is what we give it.

I feel my life has meaning from the human connections that I formed and I have formed the most unique and profound connections through my job as a camgirl because I have found people who are like minded. People who are nerds, intellectual, and perverted.

Thank you for being in my life and giving my life meaning.

Alcohol:

I've been under so much stress, trying to not let it show on cam by binge drinking. It was a few times a week, grew to a daily basis, then most recently twice a day, for both my morning and night shift on cam.

I didn't drink yesterday and I just started having the worst headache this morning. I thought it was a migraine so I tried to masturbate. It didn't work. I tried to eat some food, thought perhaps maybe I'm famished. I tried to take a nap, 2 hours later it still didn't work. I tried drinking water nope. I then decided to take some alka seltzer.

Then it daunted on me that there's a possibility I'm withdrawing from all the drinking. I then remembered that I've had this headache before. Yup, after long periods of heavy drinking, even a day off will cause a headache on the right side of my head.

So here's my problem: I simply treasure the fact that I am an alcoholic.

I know it's really fucked up but my favorite person in the whole world was an alcoholic, and alcoholism is genetic. I feel it's a trait I get from my grandpa, when I drink, I feel like I'm closer to him.

I know alcoholism is very serious, withdrawal from alcohol is almost as bad as heroin. I should have more self control because I studied psychology in college, my area of concentration was neuropsychology where a lot of my classes were in substances and substance abuse.

It's just hard to even consider decreasing my alcohol intake right now because of how much I'm struggling and the fact that I accept tokens for shots. Drinking in a way has become a source of income.

I am aware that I'm a shit mess but I don't really have much motivation to not drink. It's my creative lube, my social lube, and what warms my cold cold heart.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post except maybe to just admit that I know I have a problem, but I don't quite know how to tackle it.

Cam Friends:

So the other day, I had about 135ppl in my room for a decent amount of time, yet I was at 15tkns for the hour. I messaged a model friend of mine, Christy_love and I asked her for advice on how to urge guys to tip in public chat.

Admittedly, I had her premium account banned for life because I'm an impatient cunt like that.

So after having her unbanned, she came in to give me some great advice.

I just wanted to say that I am really thankful to have co-workers who I know I can go to for help and they will be kind and try to help me because I am not one to ask for help. I pride myself around my independence but I think sometimes we have to admit when we do need help.

RedChasten came into my room the other day, tipped me, and the next thing I know, guys were tipping me because she had told them to, with a PM from her that said "Merry Christmas from my room". I felt so torn. I love Red because she has such a big heart but I was sad that I didn't know anyone in my room that could return that love for me, nor am I in the position to return the favor in terms of tokens. Which just makes me feel Hell bent on trying to spoil her back when I do get a chance to see her. Hopefully that will be Vegas, but my attendance is undecided at the moment. I am just not sure I can actually afford the flight. I simply don't have any more room on my credit cards. I know, I'm a shit mess in the finance department.

JennyBlighe I've known for a few years now. She never really ceases to blow my mind. Her beauty but grace, that woman is a fucking class act. She's kind, unselfish and someone who simply treats me the way a friend does. She looks out for me and she's got my back. She is one of few models I know, where I felt that I could ask her for help and she wasn't going to look down on me for it and judge me by something as artificial as "camscore". I appreciate having her in my life so much, I will always do the same for her out of the respect that I have her.

AAPL_ who was the first model to ask me to be her AVN roomie all the way back in SEPTEMBER!! I admire her so much for everything that she has going on, her creativity, for being so well balanced. Her generosity and spirit is something I treasure so much. When I told her about my issue with a top member threatening to roofie and rape me, she asked me to visit her simply so that I can have company, and I'm not alone. I appreciate that so much.

WildeSky has such a big heart. I wish the world for her. I also spent a lot of time with her this year, she even had her room come into my room to wish me a happy birthday earlier this year. It simply made my day.

The new models I've met this year that I felt a kindness from: Saffron who I met in Chicago, but in Jersey, I was feeling so so so insecure, on the brink of tears (admittedly drunk as well), took time out of her day at the expo to hug me and talk to me to try to lift up my spirits. She's just so empathetic even via Twitter, I feel like it keeps me going.

AvianaRose is very new as a model, but she's the only person I know on my snapchat that actively talks to me through it and comments on my snaps. I'm not sure she knows just how encouraging her compliments are to me.

AmberVixx I met recently as well, but heart man heart. It is so refreshing. I'm not sure how, but I just feel so heavily when people have a big heart and it is so transparent.

Having a big heart is probably the purest, simplest form of being an authentic person. A person that is not fake, a person who is completely themselves. 

ALL of the connections I have made from being a cam girl keeps me going because their hearts have touched mine.

I almost feel like I could go on and on about all the models I trust to call my friends. Girls who are self-less, kind, supportive and loyal. I love the people I've met from my job as a cam girl. I appreciate having a job where I want to work on a daily basis, not everyone can say that about what they do for a living.

People are lame if they think I would ever double cross my friends, or think that they can talk shit without it getting back to the person they are talking about. I feel people are insulting my intelligence when they are being two-faced and think I am clueless.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you, thank you for being in life. My heart is filled with so much joy when I stop and count my blessings.

P.S. I want to wife BabeVonDetta so I'm not going to tell you how badass she is...

How I Met Your Mother:

This has to be one of my favorite TV shows of all time.

I love it because I originally related to Ted growing up (this hopeless romantic on the search for true love) but as the show progressed, I got older and more jaded, I knew I was Robin.

A girl who's family wished she was a boy, one that was raised with the mentality that she was as strong as a boy. Someone who loved her independence and to travel the world, not to mention dogs, scotch, and guns, while being a Canadian.

I love this show because *spoiler alert* the show from the very first episode till the very last was always about her.

It's a show that tells a story about love and finding love, and the fact that we don't have to have one true love in our life, but we can have many. Not only can we have more than one, sometimes a relationship may not work in the moment but it doesn't mean that it will never work down the line.

I simply love the fact that Ted has always envisioned kids, Robin can't have kids. That in itself is perfect because they got everything out of life that they wanted and still ended up together. Ted got the family and kids he wanted. Robin got the life she wanted traveling the world reporting the news. At the end of it all, they lived the life that they wanted, and they also got the person they wanted to grow old together.

This story will never make me not cry. I've watched this series more than a handful of times and it will never get old, just like The Princess Bride because a story about true love never gets old.

A lot of HIMYM fans hate on this ending because of the title of the show "How I Met Your MOTHER" but really they are not seeing it for what the story is saying, the grand plan of it being about the fact that love can exist but it might not work until another time and place. The fact that the kids were filmed saying the lines that they did 9yrs prior to the end date, showed how they always wanted the show to end the way it did. It wasn't an ending that they came up with mid-series.

As I revisit all my favorite movies and shows, I am noticing a common theme of "true love". Charmed, The Princess Bride, How to Steal a Million, How I Met Your Mother...

I'm not sure I ever noticed how my favorite viewings had the theme of love.

Maybe this is my heart's way of reminding my brain why love is kind and it is patient.

And ultimately it is a reminder to never ever give up on love, and finding true love.

Dream:

So I'm told that dreams reveal our hearts desire.

Well I had a dream that about a guy replying to the text message that I sent before I fell asleep, and in that dream he also commented on my twitter and blog. I then briefly woke up, fell back to sleep, yet I was under the impression that it truly happened because I had woken up. How very odd. I don't quite understand that part.

Another thing I remember about the dream that actually did make sense, "If I don't try to do things that make me uncomfortable, how will I ever grow as a person?"

I'm watching "How to Steal a Million" before I get on cam, a model on twitter commented that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was her favorite but the only thing is, that movie bothers me because there's a quote that hits too close to home:

“You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

I know I've built this cage for myself, to keep me safe, protected. But it cowardice. I am being a fucking coward. 

"Optimism is the foundation of courage." 

I need to be a little more optimistic, so that I can be brave and find the courage to be a stronger person. 

Bans:

Bans not personal because I don't actually know you as a person, so don't get your panties all in a bunch and get all butt hurt over it. There are thousands and thousands of models online. Find one that you will be kind to.

I ban people who are in my room and don't talk to me or are idle in my room because they make me feel like an object of desire instead of a human being. This is the main reason I ban, especially when I call someone out, say hi and I get no response, I will ban you and maybe for life. Please remember that I am a person and I came online for the social interaction.

I ban people who talk yet make me feel like a piece of meat because I want people to like me not just for my looks but for me as a person.

I also ban people when I am unable to talk to understand them, as in we simply don't see eye to eye. Again, this is my problem not yours.

I ban PM viewers because they do not contribute to the livelihood of my chatroom, therefore my happiness on cam.

I ban people with tokens who sit idly in my room and don't tip me because they have already given MFC their money, yet their actions tell me I'm not worth anything. Again, they are not supporting my livelihood on cam.

Sometimes the bans are not about not talking to me, nor not tipping me, it's simply the fact that looking at your screen name makes me feel bad about myself, and if I don't have to look at your screen name, I won't feel bad.

I have also banned members certain who use my room as a rest stop when their favorite models are not on cam.

I ban people who don't spend money on MFC because they don't contribute to the livelihood of the website that puts the roof over my head.

My views on banning are extremely harsh and terribly different than most models, and you may think I am a cunt but I just don't care because I care about my own happiness. That is why I ban, and ban so many people because I'm all about quality and not quantity.

What makes me happy and keeps you from getting banned? Try taking interest in me as a person. Ask me meaningful questions about myself, my views. Don't just tip for tits and ask if I will meet up with you. That makes me feel like shit. The way men lust for me on cam disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable and replaceable. This isn't to say that I am not sexual or lust is bad. I am just saying that I don't like it when people purely lust after me because I am trying to create an environment where people like me as a person and we can have a decent substantial conversation with each other.

I do understand that I work on a sex site that entertains the lust of people. But you have to remember that I work for myself. I live for myself, and this is what I want.

I want a following that appreciates me as a person, and not just how I look naked because I think I look awesome naked. To have people like me just for my nudity would be too easy.

You can tip 1001tkns with Un-ban in the tip note. ATTN: If you are ignored, I wont be able to see your tip when I'm online, only in the form of offline tips/tip notes.

Fear:

I got a text on the 10th, from my college boyfriend who I dated for 3.5yrs. Despite the fact that I ignored his text, it still brought back a lot of pain, memories, and resentment.

Last night, I was upset and I responded. I blamed him for my lack of trust and all he wanted was to talk in person and try dating again. What the fucking fuck?!?!?! KILL ME.

There's not a fucking chance in hell.

I spent all night crying my eyes out. Aside from losing my grandpa, I have never ever cried so hard in my life. I was crying because my heart hurts. I hate the fact that I can't just enjoy a person's company without the fear of getting hurt.

That in itself is painful.

While my heart hurts, my brain tells me that what I feel right now is nothing in comparison to what I will be feeling about this down the road.

I just hurt so much right now, but my brain tells me that it will be okay.

Funny how people get jealous of who I'm fucking or seeing, yet they don't realize just how difficult it is for someone to stay in my life because I, myself, will innately isolate myself out of fear.

Self-Sabotage

Leave it to me to find a perfectly good guy and my only thought is, "I'm going to get hurt and I'm not going to let that happen".

I honestly am not completely sure why I do this to myself. Why can't I just have a good thing and not be afraid?

The last person I tried to date was two years ago. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and I thought to myself, "I'm going to make you love me".

This time when a guy tells me he doesn't want a relationship right off the bat, my thought is, "I have to do everything in my power not to like this guy, or else I'm just going to get hurt again".

Some where between making out with girls, threesomes and a sex party, I realized I was trying to distance myself emotionally, but none of that worked. It only made me like him more. How stupid is that?

I see his face in every guy I look at, I've been craving hamburgers every freaken day, and all of it is driving me nuts. I hate feeling insecure. My fear of being hurt is making me want to go back to pretending like I'm a fearless badass with no heart.

On the other hand, what I want at this moment, is to cuddle up with The Princess Bride, and remember why I think I can't see this guy any more because he sparked something inside of me: the I desire to believe in true love.

Even this post is confusing me. Do I want to find someone to love or do I want to be alone? At this pace I'm going to die alone.

I'm going to make myself a burger and watch The Princess Bride, perhaps that will make me feel better.

The Princess Bride:

I often say that this is my favorite movie of all time. So let's break down who/what/when/where/why.

When I was in college, I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. It was my longest relationship, since then my relationships or even the people I date, don't last more than 6mos.

During one of many toxic fights, he stormed out of the house we were living in, and came home with The Princess Bride.

I simply fell in love with the movie. A movie about true love, sportsmanship with the perfect comedic relief.

Growing up without a model relationship to look up to, I'm not sure true love exists, but this movie made me believe... it made me want it and want to look for it.

I started falling asleep to this movie every night during college for over a year while I was still dating my college "sweetheart" because I was so comforted by the movie.

I shy away from watching the movie when my heart feels cold as stone because I'm afraid it's too cold to be warmed by the movie. I'm afraid that the movie will lose it's magic because I don't feel anything.

But when I'm open to the possibility of love, I will sit down and watch it. I cry on cue during certain scenes followed by laughter through those tears.

Part of me is still resentful at him for ruining my outlook on relationships. He ruined me because I thought he was "the one". I was sure of it, he would call me wifey and I would call him hubby. But I fucked that up, I kissed another guy and then hooked up with my ex and then told him about it because of the guilt I felt. Instead of breaking up, we just kept trying to make it work. We couldn't admit to ourselves or each other that it just wasn't working. No matter how shitty he treated me, I just took it.

Fueled by ego and self-righteousness, denial is poisonous. 

But honestly speaking, I ruined me.

Towards the end of our relationship, I was vagina crazy. I really wanted to find a girl for a threesome, but instead I started dating a girl on the side, behind his back.

I do this a lot when I am with a guy... go for women. When I was 16, my mom told me all men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. Since I've started dating, I've always tried to beat them to the punch.

I think, I simply hate men. I hate men because their lust disgusts me. Their lust disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable, replaceable and invaluable. When a relationship is too sexual, no matter how good the sex is, I get bored because it lacks substance. The ones that don't disgust me because they like me as a person: scare me. I'm afraid because I'm afraid of opening up and getting hurt. My fear of getting hurt perpetuates this cycle of self-sabotage where I try to hurt those I'm with before they can hurt me.

I do this with members I get close to, I can get really mean because I'm fear they will leave, so I push them away. I do this with guys I date, I'm afraid they will cheat and their heart will stray, so I project my fear and cheat on them with women.

I want to find a person who looks at me the way my grandpa looked at me, the look of unconditional love. I am happiest when I connect with people. I feel exhilarated when I am wander the streets of a foreign place. I want to travel the world and explore different cultures. My very first belief towards kids was that I didn't want to birth my own. There are too many people on this planet. At most, I thought I would adopt. Then looking at my family, I just didn't want kids because I'm afraid of turning into my grandma, I fear I will fuck them up. So I donated some of my eggs in college to relieve the urge of procreating, and remove my own fear of having to nurture them. But after my grandpa passed, I got the idea that I might want kids eventually because I feel that the legacy of our lost loved ones live on through us and the people in our lives and I want to pass on the qualities of my grandpa who was the most thoughtful person I've known. But the thought of kids is terrifying too because it weighs down my wanderlust fantasies of backpacking through Europe. I get so lost in my passions, I fear I will be a really shitty parent.

But before any of the wants, I need to stop making things so difficult for myself. I wish I wasn't so intense, yet I feel that comes with the territory of being creative. It's just passion.

I know this post seems like it's all over the place, but this movie has been on my mind. My actions and sexual escapades topped with getting hit up by the college guy a couple of days ago has made these thoughts swarm around my head like crazy. I'm not even sure if this helps, because I know my actions have become a bad habit I need to break. Perhaps my candid honesty will set an example for others to be more truthful with themselves.

Life is too short to be lying to yourself.

Hair oil mix I'm trying

Hair oil mix I'm trying:

• Argan oil
• Coconut oil 
• Macadamia oil 
• Vitamin E oil 
• Fish oil 

Note this  current formula coagulates, I'm guessing it's from the fish oil but I'm not sure yet... I just know these are all really good thing to use for your hair individually, so I'm putting them together in a spray bottle to try it out! 

Ménage à Trois

I fucking love 3somes.

It started when I graduated college. I had my eye on the owner of the company that I worked for at the time. On the day I got fired, he asked me to have coffee, I thought, "Hell, why not?". Then it progressed to video games over wine. He told me his gf liked me, out of respect for her as a woman, I asked him to wait till she was around so we can all play together.

So finally one night we did bottle service at some club, her and I got so hot and heavy we were practically doing it at the club. That night of drunken debauchery will forever be on my mind as one of the hottest nights of my life. So many endless positions, sharing with her has become kind of a thing for us after that. Let's call her Ella.

My second threesome experience was probably the worst. My best friend at the time had our eyes on the same guy. I got the guy, but not long after I suggested to share him with her. Only problem was, she's completely not into girls, so we didn't kiss, she didn't let me kiss her boobies, nothing. It was kind of lame because the best thing about threesomes for me is having a beautiful woman to share a cock. I fucked him, and then masturbated to watching those two fuck. I didn't really feel anything. Perhaps it was just because I didn't really like him all that much. This was shortly before I started camming.

(Some time after I started camming, Ella and I had a GG encounter, but no cock, not as fun.)

The third was funny because I'm really naive to people hitting on me. I'm trying to not be so dumb but I'm used to having guy friends where they don't do anything. Hence, I have the tendency to think other guys don't have sexual intentions. Ella invited me to meet her new guy with her group of friends. I was instantly attracted to him, just like the first guy we shared. I fucked him with my eyes all night long, fantasizing about him. There were so many cues and clues I should have picked up on but I didn't really know it was happening until my friend Ella kissed her dude, kissed me, then kind of pushed our heads together, that's when I was like... "ohhhhh". As hot as he was, that guy turned out to be kind of a douche, and I'm so glad I got to fuck him and leave.

My fourth time was with Ella again, was after AVN a couple of years ago. She sent me a picture of her new guy. Gorgeous as always. I swear her and I have the same taste in men. Her suggestion... we dress up as sexy secretaries and try to slut our way into a promotion. At this point Ella and I have shared 3 men together, all hers.

Ella and I met up for our 4th threesome with the same guy as the previous experience. Thankfully I was on my period because that guy fucks like a jack hammer and I just don't enjoy the way he fucks. We were doing a GG bj on him but then she hands him a camera to film, and I got kind of awkward because as a camgirl, I would want to sell the footage and I know that she would want to keep it private. (This is where the desire for a bgg BJ video stemmed from and I'm so so so happy I got to do it with Jenny. Anyway I'm getting to that one.) We proceeded to the bedroom and I choked her as she got fucked. I always have a lot of fun playing with her because she's fucking hot. I say yes to Ella because I do it her. If playing with her comes with a dude, sure I'm in.

• Side Note: Sex to me is weird. I love it and hate it. When I am getting laid, I want it all the time, multiple times a day. Once I stop, I go on a cock cleanse for a minimum of 8 months (not purposefully, it's just something I've noticed). I recently broke my 14mos cleanse, which was too long. But it had to be done because I usually get really attached to who I'm fucking, even if they are douchebags. I hate that. I hate that I get attached to douchebags, I get jealous and possessive, it's so biological it's annoying. I start to annoy myself, probably why I go on a "cock cleanse". So I try to be picky about who I fuck so that I don't start getting all sappy over some prick. With that said, some how I don't feel much when it comes to threesomes. I don't get attached to the cock as a guest. Guys think a BGG/MFF threesome is all about the guy, it really isn't, at least not with me. With me, it's all about the girl. The cock is there for fucking and sucking or whatever but my main focus is always on the other woman.

Can I reiterate how awesome it was to play with Jenny? Gah that woman is so beautiful. I'm so stoked I got her to cum, what an honor. Have you guys seen the video? This video was edited from 4hrs of content by JennyBlighe, you seriously need to subscribe to her videos-> JennyBlighe.com. Ok now that you've heard from our sponsors, I will continue with the regular scheduled typing... So, I secretly fantasized about sharing a cock with Jenny because I too am an oral person, so being able to film with her was like crossing something off my bucket list, it was EPIC. We had so much fun, it was insane. It was all about making Jenny cum over and over. I'm so excited we get to show you guys the footages, and gives you guys a glimpse of something I enjoy but normally prefer to keep private. 

I had a text conversation with a model who's bf I've been drooling over, which the topic of sharing came up. So we made plans to hook up. I have yet to make sense of it all, but it was hot. For her privacy, I will leave the details out of it. 

• All this really just makes the topic of threesomes float around my brain. Society, culture, tradition tells us that monogamy is the "norm". Then, when I was young, my mom told me all the men she's dated or married has either cheated on her or she was the other woman. She told me that men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. So ever since I started dating, I've tried to beat them to the punch but usually with girls (if that even counts). I'm not sure if people are really meant to be monogamous. It's a nice concept, but how often are people happy when they are monogamous? I don't have any model relationships. All the monogamous people I know are miserable. The ones that cheat are even more miserable because of all the hiding they have to do, it's so tedious. When it comes to threesomes, it almost defies the term "cheating". I've heard of cheating as doing something behind someone's back that involves lying, it's an act of dishonesty. Then I start to think, "What are people really upset about? Is it the carnal act of sex and lust or is it the the betrayal of hiding and lying?".
• Someone asked me why a person would bring an attractive person to fuck their bf, my response, "Would you want to see your boyfriend fuck someone ugly?". Me personally, because I am attracted to girls, I'd want to be involved. The thought of my guy doing something with another chick when I'm not around drives me nuts, because it's biology. But in a threesome scenario the thought is extremely intoxicating. 
• I often fantasize about a relationship with a man and a woman because I think that's the answer. Then I wonder if maybe threesomes are the answer to the mere possibility of a true and lasting relationship. But it's neither. The answer is communication, being able to tell another person what you want and what you like. It's not easy to say, "I want to fuck someone else", but we think it. It's not easy to share our deepest darkest desires but when you do tell someone and you find someone that understands and doesn't judge you, that's when you start to find yourself.

My walls are up so high. I'm so guarded, but I am so happy to have people in my life that I don't have to censor myself. Letting go of the fear of people judging me, gives people the opportunity for them to like me for who I am. I think we should all have more faith in ourselves and find people based off of our true selves. "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not". Many have said this in multiple languages throughout time yet I still find new meaning in it periodically.

All I want to do, is find the courage to be myself each and every day. Live a life without the fear of judgement because my life is my own. #DreamofEnlightenment.

Jenny Fucking Blighe

I've had a crush on Jenny's beautiful body since she made her appearance in the Top20. I remember introducing myself, and she was so chill. A lot of models can be difficult to approach for a number of reasons, and even after managing to talk to them, sometimes the response is not always positive or well received.

When I got to meet her, I was moved by her humility. She's incredibly humble.

We got to hang out in Dallas, the same night after my very first stripping experience. But she had no clue at the time, and I never put the two events on the same timeline until this trip. 

As we kept in touch, here and there she would suggest "working", and my insecurity would kick in and I would feel subpar to her in comparison of following and camscore. 

But coming to the realization that she doesn't make me feel bad about artificial things that don't actually define a person, made me realize just how fucked up the system is.

In a setting where we are constantly surrounded by people who praise us, we start to let that dictate our own self worth. We shouldn't feel like these things make us who we are. 

I admire Jenny for so many reasons, superficially, I love Barbie growing up and physically she may as well by ginger Barbie.

As a parent, the efforts she puts in is inspiring. I was raised by a single mom who sacrificed a lot of her life to give me everything she could possibly give me. I see that same spirit in Jenny. Everything she does, she does from the love of her children... children who are so beautiful, I miss them.

As a colleague, her content ideas, editing skills, and overall work ethic is en pointe. 

When I asked Jenny about us working together, I told her I am struggling as I am transitioning away from non nude. I feel lost and don't know what to do. I don't really know how to sell my body because for the last 6 years, I've been trying to sell my brains.

When I got home I had a friend ask if camming with Jenny helped financially. My response:

• I didn't expect my time with Jenny to correct my own financial short comings, but I had fun making content. I'm happy to cling onto what I like about work so that I'm not resentful of it. My friendships and connections are keeping me in the game. I don't know if it makes sense but whether or not working with Jenny was a financial success, it was a personal success because right now I just need to hold onto what I love about this job, so that I work harder to make it work. Being around her, her kids, seeing how she is not on her phone when she's with her kids, those were breaks I needed and things I need to implement in my own life. I recently changed to a different work table and now it's not next to my bed. Even that minor change was huge. I was getting so bad, I would go hang out with a friend, and I'd bring my phone and be like "ok I have IG posts to catch up on". So next time we hang out, I’m going to try to not work because I want to be more present. I think all this extra time I put into camming, is making me resentful too, like I'm spending all this time, snapping, talking on snapchat, blogging, etc and my camscore is dropping and dropping, makes me kind of despise it all. So the fact she has a studio, drives there, comes home and is not working as much when she's with her kids it was so much healthier, which is not something most can do, but it's something we can try to implement. 

Jenny has a very mature outlook on GG cam shows, there are slow days and there are slow days with two girls, but ultimately the fact that two girls brings in more traffic. We shouldn’t be torturing ourselves with trying to analyze the situation. It’s easy to compare GG shows to our best solo days because we know what we’ve been capable of by ourselves. But all of that is luck and kismet.

If you are going to work together with someone: learn to share and respect one another.

Camscore, following, all of that means jack shit when you get on cam. Cam chemistry, member participation, off cam chemistry, content chemistry, it's never predictable and may not even overlap.

We talked about our cam anxieties, how we are anxious because the ups and downs make us unsure of how things will go. I had someone ask me when they will be getting the videos and I freaked because I am well aware of the to do list. I often find that sometimes external pressure from members will make the situation worse, and sometimes I will snap. Please be patient with me, I am trying my best.

Members please be patient with models, we are one person, there are limited hours in a day, between twitter, emails, MFC mail, snapchat, instagram, manyvids, videos, editing, profiles, these are all time consuming things we use and/or do as part of our on cam job OFF-cam. It's a lot.

Being around Jenny has probably been one of the most eye opening experiences. The way she separates her personal life from camming was extremely refreshing.

Hanging out with her and the kids, I turned my phone on airplane mode for the first time not on a plane so that I could be fully in the present moment. That was beautiful.

I've been feeling isolated due to the lack of connections with members but that's opened my heart to connections with people all around me. I've gotten closer with models who are amazing beyond words, members who are supportive of that fact that I am doing what I love and trying to find my happiness, and others I've met through my involvement in the industry. This is my own path, one that I've chosen for myself. 

Shoutout to Miss JennyBlighe. Thank you for being apart of my journey of self-discovery and sexual adventures. You are a fucking professional and I freaken love you.

Slack:

There are many things I could, should, would apologize for but I don't have all day.

I am human and I have flaws. Many times we only see what we want to see because our ego is too strong to take in reality.

One thing I realize that I do not understand is the way you tell me you are "too shy" to talk to me in my room because I'm an introvert, I prefer to be by myself.

In person, sometimes I dress to intimidate and scare people off on purpose because I feel uncomfortable talking to strangers. But I force myself to go out of my comfort zone. A lot of times I use substances like weed or alcohol to help facilitate my social interactions but it doesn't always help. I'm a shit mess because I have always had a hard time controlling my alcohol intake. But that's my problem and I'm working on it.

But, I can't empathize with being "too shy" to type in a chatroom. When I'm staring at one or two members that can talk yet wont or refuse to talk, it's very frustrating. I don't really know how to deal with that frustration in a healthy way.

First, I am inclined to blame myself. That feeling of insecurity and self-consciousness makes me want to ban a person for not talking because they are making me feel bad about myself. Like there's something wrong with me that makes people not want to talk to me.

Lately, I've been inclined to drink, which is bad. It is bad because I am not treating my body with respect by self medicating when I know the root of this problem is the lack of room engagement when I am online begging for people to talk.

It does not take anything to acknowledge another person especially when you are sitting in a chatroom with me in my bedroom. This is a very personal space I don't just let people into my space.

You are not obligated to tip just because you are talking. With that said, at some point, if you can't tip, and you are keeping the model from engaging with other people then perhaps, you should reconsider doing something else with your time. I say this because sometimes someone will say to me, I wanted to private but I left because I didn't want to interrupt your conversation with so and so.

So I will try to cut you guys more slack and understand this too shy thing, have more patience when people are not talking as well as try harder to entertain but please try with me, acknowledge my presence and perhaps we can meet each other somewhere in the middle and start having some fun?

For The Record:

The one thing Jenny and I keep saying to each other about the night that we shot the BGG content, was how "fluid" it was.

We spent hours just playing around back and forth between her and I. Here and there we would remember that there was a cock around and we would use our stunt cock as needed. During our play time we managed to accumulate 4 hrs of content.

But for the most part we started with an idea, but it kind of went all over the place. Hot, steamy, fun, and most importantly: candid.

We spent another night watching the footages, laughing our asses off at what we know for sure are "bloopers". Admittedly, there might be footages where it's purely for our eyes only.

A 3rd night where Jenny edited 4hrs of content down to a 20minute video.

With that said, there is really no amount of slut shaming that will take this experience away from the fun that we have had.

This is why I tweeted and said,

"I'm 30 something fucking years old, if I want to film my 6th 3some and try to sell it for the 1st time why does it make me a slut or whore? I think it's called making a living doing something I enjoy. So fuck off. I'm a career camgirl, I EXPECT all of it to be free somewhere.

I'm sorry Mommy, I am not perfect but I conciously made all my own decisions because it's MY life and NO one elses. I carry the consequences

I remind myself "Hate"/"Love" is the same hormone oxytocin, known to create attachment. If they didn't care, they wouldn't troll.

I'm trying to live a life for myself and my own happiness and not someone else's, ie my mom or members. Please respect the spirit"

I mean honestly, I've been secretly wanting to do a double BJ vid with Jenny since hanging with her in Dallas Aug 2015. 

Hate, judge, whatever. I'm happy I got to cross something off my bucket list. So FUCK OFF HATERS!!! 

We need at least 1 person to buy the video for it to be leaked. Which means it will be the most I have ever made from the BGG fun that I have had in my lifetime. That's a win in my book. 

*Side note that might be TMI, I am hooking up with a person that I enjoy spending time with, I told him about this trip and potential BGG stuff because I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I had fun making content, I do not feel ashamed about the fun I had and the content we recorded. I think it looks hot as fuck, a little awkward to watch at first because I've never seen myself do stuff to a cock on film before. But I don't feel like I was not loyal. I feel like an adult who is being honest with herself and the people around her. 

**Also feeling like I need to mention I like 3somes because of the girl while the cock has its uses. 

Bitch:

I have been administered 3 IQ tests in my life:

1. The first was my senior year of high school, I scored 144. 
2. The second was in college, I got 144 (yet again). 
3. The third was actually part of a job interview post college, and I was stoned as fuck. I scored 153. (Which IQ does increase with age but I've always been amused at the fact that I was really high, that fact has always enabled my love of weed). 

With that said, I may be bright and clever, but I am so not personable. I have a really hard time making connections with people, and they often think I'm a bitch or that I don't like them. People who's work I admire, I have a hard time expressing myself without raving about them, which can make people uncomfortable because I think they question how genuine it is given they don't know me and I don't actually know them. 

So the friendships that I have formed with others in this industry has always came before the "work" aspect. I have always tried to preserve those friendships over trying to make money with said individuals. When I talk about my friends, I would just use their nicknames or something instead of their screen names because I always felt like when I said their screen names out loud and I heard myself talking, I didn't want to seem like I was name dropping. 

But honestly this normally isn't a problem. But I worry way too much, and it's gotten so much worse lately. The only way I can seem to hush the self doubt is with alcohol. I can't seem to even pretend to be confident lately and it's driving me nuts. I have so much going for me yet I can't seem to make any of it work for me. I see my ideas left and right, but I feel like I'm slipping into the shadows. I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I don't know what I'm doing. 

So how do I stop this downward spiral of a negative shit show waiting to happen? 

Be more alert, the substances are not really helping the being alert thing. After this weekend, I'm going to have to cut back on the self medicating. (Yes, I'm well aware, but shit like this is easier said than done). People kept telling me about parts of the weekend that I don't remember, that scares the shit out of me. 

Start focusing on the task at hand. My attention span has been extra short lately. I'm not getting a lot of things done. That's probably another reason why I feel shitty about myself. I keep thinking I need to do things that I don't end up doing. 

Setting goals and achieving them is important. 

I was feeling unhappy with my body, so I've been working out, I'm starting to see changes and that's making me feel better about my appearance. 

But I just don't feel good about myself on the inside either. I've been doubting my creativity. All my paintings on my wall, I'm not impressed with them, I think they are average. So I have I feel uninspired to draw or paint. 

I had a trouble with the aerial section of my Etsy shop, where the chains are changing color but I can't find a cost efficient replacement, and that's been stressing me out. 

Camming has been so foreign to me while I've been trying to be less "non-nude". Seeing names that are there and not doing anything just seems so pointless to me, I end up banning room sitters which is really bad because people take it so personally when in fact, I don't know them. 

I just don't feel like I'm doing anything right. 

Ok refocus. Someone suggested I replace thoughts with things I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for the friends I have. I'm grateful I can honestly say to someone, "Hey I need help." and have a person say, "I am here for you". That is so so so amazing. I'm afraid to ruin it. Which is where I need to remember that it's thinking like this that starts the downward spiral of doubt. 

Ultimately I know I need the approval of others to feel good about myself, and that needs to change. I know I need to live my life for myself, throw in the towel and say fuck it! 

So goals this weekend: HAVE FUN! If I doubt myself, it will show instantly, remember who I will be with, if she didn't want to work, she wouldn't have offered. So I need to stop believing I'm subpar. I have definitely toned up since we made the plans. I'm excited about this, focus on the excitement. 

Remember to orgasm and get sufficient sleep or else I'll get grumpy. 

Resurrection:

Today someone says to me in PM,

"Work sucks, need a new place to live, thinking of changing career fields, just everything going in life is hitting all at once".

Me personally, I find that when I'm unhappy that's when I start to reflect a lot about why I'm unhappy and I start to make changes.

After the rape threats from one of my top members, earlier this year, I was feeling really unhappy with my job as a camgirl. So I started to reflect about what makes me happy as a camgirl.

• I like to get paid to orgasm. 
• Camming has meaning for me when I build connections with people. (This has been lacking.)
• I love the flexibility both in terms of time and location. 
• It's given me the freedom to do a lot of things I want and have only dreamed of prior to it. 
• It's lead me to some of the most open minded and awesome people I've ever met. 

So I decided to try harder to reconnect with past members, and interact with the new because I've decided to recommit myself to my job. 

Eyelash Glue:

My recent hunt for the strongest black eyelash glue has lead me to some favorites so I thought I'd write a post and save you all the hassle. I love black colored glue because I wear black eyeliner coloring the lash of the false lash black via glue makes the line less visible. In order of favorite:

1. Kiss I Envy Super Strong Latex Free (This is my favorite, there's a rubber alternative.)
2. Kiss I Envy Rubber Type 
3. Marie Beauty 
4. Callas (This I don't really like because it's tinted navy blue.)
5. Duo (This I don't like because it's not very "black" and it doesn't really stick well.)

Oh and the Asian brands are so much stickier than the Western brands. Duo/Ardell/Revlon suck.

Bleached Blonde:

My hair is currently bleached 3 times. I use purple shampoo, conditioner and treatment that acts as a brass banisher.

Macadamia is one of my favorite hair brands, I use the hair masque, oil, leave in conditioner, and detangling spray.

But because I still wake up with dry nappy hair, to instantly revive it, I wet my hands & add Macadamia Leave in Conditioner. This is bring back the softness and texture that is doesn't feel as crisp as bleached hair.

I'm also really loving this floral Batiste Dry Shampoo

This is what I am currently using on my hair to try to keep it from feeling like straw. Is it the best on the market? How can anyone truly know, or even know what works best for them except trial and error?

It's the same with the skin products I use. I always like to try new things that target my own skin problems: big pores + combination skin. Hence, my favorites may work for me but not for others. This goes for all skin bloggers. There are certain products that a lot of people/bloggers happen to like P50 Lotion is one of them.

Bubs NYC Favs:

Fav Food (not in order) : 

1. Smorgasburg (seasonal food vendor gathering)
2. Artichoke Basille’s Pizza ANY location (different take on NY pizza, but MUST)
3. Kenka (Japanese) & Big Gay Ice Cream 
4. Flushing (Northern Chinese, this place reminds me of my childhood in China & gets me teary)
5. Fish (steamers, fisherman’s stew, seafood galore in a casual setting)
6. Flex Mussels (mussels cooked any way which way)
7. Halal Guys (crazy famous food stand)
8. Congee Village (Southern Chinese)
9. Red Hook Lobster Pound (Lobster Rolls, 3 different kinds, multiple locations)
10. Get a hot sausage at a hot dog cart, ask for everything on it. 

Fav Places: 

1. Roof Top Bar at the Metropolitan Museum of Art as a beautiful view of the park. 
2. The Met is the best PERIOD and it's pay as you wish. 
3. The park, Central Park (it closes at 1am, don't get a trespassing ticket like me).
4. Imagine in Strawberry Fields (also in the park).
5. Natural History Museum (this is part of the park and also pay as you wish, seeing a theme?)
6. Brooklyn Bridge 
7. Williamsburg (flea markets, artsy stuff)
8. The piers in Brooklyn has a pretty view of Lower Manhattan (9 is near)
9. Koreantown (great Korean food, most restaurants on this street are open 24/7)
10. Union Square (great for people watching during the day)
11. Chelsea Market (food)
12. Aquarium Near Coney Island (because fish are so peaceful)
13. 59st Roosevelt Island Tram (the city from a birds eye view, great for sunset time)
14. Staten Island Ferry (the free way to see the Statue)
15. 9/11 Memorial (so sad)
16. Movies in the park (but not “the” park, summer thing be wary of mosquitoes bring repellant)

NYC seasonal events: 

• Summer- street fairs, smorgasburg, French Film on the Green, films in Bryant Park (HBO?) 
• Winter- winter markets, ice skating

Tourist things I do not like doing: 

1. Time Square during the day. I suggest at least after midnight but leave before 2am. 
2. Any super touristy thing during the day is annoying, but maybe I'm just a night owl. 

Things I want to do: 

1. Coney Island
2. Mets vs Giants game
3. Museum of Sex
4. Actually go to Ellis Island to see the Statue
5. Empire State Building
6. Chrysler Building

Self Discovery:

For others to understand the cam world, beyond the stigma and their prejudices, we need to start talking openly about the impact it has on us personally. (I'm preparing myself to ask my mom if she wants to know what I do for a living because I would really like to explain what I do, why I did it, why I choose to keep doing it, what I have learned and what I hope to gain from this).

Here is one of my reasons I truly appreciate about my job as a cam girl:


For me, I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me, I feel inadequate when people do not like me. When I talk to people face to face, it can be very over-whelming for me because while I'm talking I'm also hyper aware of their mannerisms. From the expressions on their face, gestures, body movements; people say way more than what the ears hear.


This makes it very exhausting for me to be around a lot of people or to be in crowded spaces because I am constantly trying to take in all of the stimuli. This is why I bring cigarettes to bars/conventions/parties etc, I need an excuse to get away from people. Alcohol is my social lube.


Camming is unique because it takes that factor out of the equation. It gives me the ability to talk to people without seeing their body language helps me think without the distraction of analyzing how they are reacting. This makes it easier for me because I'm not as fixated on how they are taking something, I'm more focused on trying to express myself properly.

I've expressed to my mom before that I have a hard time finding the words to express myself verbally, while something is happening. But after the moment is gone, I'll realize what I was thinking or I'll put words to emotions, but I'm unable to do that on the spot because I am so caught up analyzing other things.

Trying to go outside of my comfort zone and talk to people. It makes me feel really awkward. But once I start talking, the self-doubt subsides a little. Being on cam is helping me be able to speak my mind more so in person.


One of these days I'm hoping to be able to speak my mind in a healthy way, not bottling it up and/or being passive aggressive.


After 6 years on cam, I'm still learning and trying to figure myself out. This is what I really appreciate about my job. The freedom to do whatever, which gives me the ability to find myself, at my pace, through the choices I make. They may not be the best or smartest choice, but they are mine, and if I make a mistake, I will try to learn from it. But I've always been the type to learn by actually doing, fucking shit up, and trying to pick up the pieces.


 
 


Tributes for Wants/Needs:

Models, join today!

Biologique Recherche P50:

I recommended this to a model earlier today. This is a cult classic that skin bloggers/vloggers rave about.

There are 6 different versions available, P50 (original), P50V (mature skin), P50W (sensitive skin). Each of these these three come in the original 1970 formula and the new phenol-free formula.

I love my p50 new version, but it takes getting used to because of the "purging". Not all experience it. So, I highly recommend reading the different reviews about it because everyone's skin is different and will have various experiences with it.

But overall, it's not drying like most Western toners. It restores the PH balance. It's list of ingredients are simple and natural. Asian toners are different. There's more info about other skincare products here -> http://bubspinkbubble.blogspot.com/2016/09/skin-care-stuff.html

I don't really feel the need to write any more on the this because there have been so many in-depth reviews about this product that surpass my knowledge and writing ability.

http://skinandtonics.com/biologique-recherche-lotion-p50-original-1970-new-formula/
I like this review because it has a break down of the ingredients to help users pick between the original vs new formula.

http://www.alltheprettypandas.com/blog/2016/8/12/review-skincare-biologique-recherche-p50
This blogger references a lot of posts in her review about P50.

http://www.allure.com/review/biologique-recherche-lotion-p50v
Allure fav.

http://beautyeditor.ca/2014/07/31/biologique-recherche-lotion-p50
Beauty editor calls it, "Miracle in a bottle".

http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/06/jesus-in-a-bottle-french-skin-care-product.html
NY Mag calls it, "Jesus in a bottle".

http://www.brooklynblonde.com/2015/04/biologique-recherche-review.html
HG product, "If you’re going to walk away from this post and choose to invest in only one of these products, there’s no doubt that it should be the P50."

Is it the best on the market? How can anyone truly know, or even know what works best for them except trial and error? I always like to try new things that target my own skin problems: big pores + combination skin. Hence, my favorites may work for me but not for others. This goes for all skin bloggers. There are certain products that a lot of people/bloggers happen to like P50 Lotion is one of them.

Bubs Random Hobbies

Useless Talent #12

Hazard to Myself:

*Note, this is not a cry for help.

(Made that mistake once before. Once, I was a little too candid about my feelings on a forum that's private and seen by my colleagues only (aka models), where I thought I was safe to share my thoughts. Then, a member told me about how a model told him I was thinking about harming myself. Thanks. BTW January 2016 my mom's best friend's daughter took her own life, that moment, I promised my mom I would never do that to her. So no matter how dark I feel. I'm a woman of my word.)

With that said, I will try my best to make this as coherent as possible because I'm realizing something about myself and I want to sort out my thoughts:

I am my worst critic. I am such a perfectionist, and get so fixated on things it's borderline destructive. When I'm having a bad day, I get so caught up in blaming myself for my inadequacies as a model and a person, I basically just shut down. I find it difficult to pull myself out of that downward spiral mentality where I just beat up on myself nonstop.

I feel like all I've been doing on cam is letting the pace in the last 6 months get to me. Ever since I received that anonymous tip note threatening to roofie and rape me, in March. Then, I found out he was one of my top members that I had met. I've been trying to get back in the groove. I'm so caught up in my head and how people think I'm boring, "pregnant", or wondering why people don't like me. I feel so inadequate to even give models the advice they are seeking because I'm so humiliated by my own inability to really engage with my room. I feel like a deer caught in headlights post MFClife. It's like the plague and it's hard for me to bring myself to move.

Background:

Mental health has been a topic I've seen here and there on Twitter. I don't like to discuss this because of the stigma and prejudices people have towards it, but here it goes:

My grandma is OCD, so is my mom. People think that OCD means someone is a neat freak, that is false. I am not a neat freak at all. I'm a mess inside and out. I frequently find myself being obsessed about something, and then I still can not stop myself from the compulsion to act on it.

"Bipolar" runs in the family too. I HATE to admit it because of the negative connotation it has, and the misconceived notions people have about it. Everyone experiences ups and downs, I experience them more drastically. My perception of the world is amplified in many ways. I am very sensitive to emotions, expressions, feelings? Call it intuition? So sometimes when people talk to me, I have a way of reading between the lines that people find striking, but like I said, words have connotations/meanings, the words you choose to type/use, all have emotion that say beyond what you realize.

I believe my heightened sense of perception and awareness is also what makes me creative as well. I see the world, and I can't help but break it down by colors and shapes because that's how I make sense of it. I think because I'm so sensitive, it also takes me a lot to excite/motivate me. I get bored easily, have a short attention span, I tend be a bit of a thrill seeker and procrastinator.

I'm usually aware of whether I'm feeling elated/manic, or when I'm feeling really down/depressed but that doesn't mean I can do much about it. I don't think this makes me "crazy" as people might associate with the word "bipolar". When I'm elated, I'm hyper sexual, talk very quickly from topic to topic, don't sleep as much, have new business ideas, very textbook. When I'm bummed I just don't want to move, I sleep a lot.

Ok enough background. Now, my upbringing:

From 2-7 I was raised by my maternal grandparents in China. My grandma is just, I don't know how to explain it except she's so negative, pessimistic, cruel, pathetic, almost borderline evil, but evil would imply having knowledge of how bad you are? I don't know if she knows how much pain she causes people by the nasty words that come out of her mouth. My first trip back to China after leaving at 7 was when I was 9. I wore these clip-on earring because I wanted to look mature for my grandma and the first thing she said when she saw me was that, "you look like a whore". Slut shamed by my grandma at 9 years old. The list goes on and on, including telling me she wishes I was never born but the earrings incident was one of her earlier criticisms.

My grandpa is the most thoughtful person I know. Family meant everything to him. He always took care of his family, and constantly thought of us above all. People think I'm thoughtful, that's him. It's really weird being raised by the person you love most in the world and the person you hate most in the world. I say that with absolute certainty that my grandpa is the best person I've known my whole life, and my grandma is the ugliest person I've known.

My grandma is emotionally abusive, and physically abusive growing up. My mom, as close as my mom and I have been, as candid as we have been, she has her dark side that she gets from my grandma. The same dark side I hate about myself, and the reason I can't even stand to look at my grandma in the eyes. I'm afraid to look into an empty vessel.

My mom has had her moments where she is the same, emotionally abusive, and physically abusive. She's gotten a lot better because we don't live together.

I've mentioned that I don't like spanks, and that it has to do with me getting them as a kid. My grandma used a broom handle, my mom used a rolling pin. At one point in my childhood, my mom punished me by making me hit myself. So now, I hate spanks. The concept of me being made to inflict pain on myself was traumatic and I don't like it. But I love spanking others and spanking really hard. I get off on it. Sadistic. I know.

It doesn't actually matter that I inherited their fixation on things and the sense of obligation to do them. I doesn't matter how I constantly hear my grandma's voice in my head picking at everything I do. What does matter is what I will do about it.

Change:

I have to be mindful to be positive because I don't want to turn into my grandma. Whenever I see her, the things she says, I fear that's what I may become. This persistent self-loathing and criticism is so destructive to my psyche I am literally paralyzed by it. I just sit there and I can't even move because I get so down on myself.

A thought I had earlier today was I miss the guy who saw me for the best part of me, the guy who was so positive he saw me for who I wish I was (or am? IDK sorry grammar freaks I struggle with tenses). I don't miss him because he turned out to be a jerk. But I miss how I felt when I talked to him. It was nice to talk to someone who believed in me. Someone who saw the good in me, when I know I'm not all good. He was the only person that I met who made me feel that way. So it made me think:

I want someone like that in my life. 

But before I start looking, I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop comparing myself to other girls who are more successful. That's my grandma. That's her voice in my head. I need to channel my grandpa's genes, yes he was an alcoholic but he was and still is the best person I know by far. It's why I'm so proud to be an alcoholic and I say alcoholics are my favorite people: my grandma is allergic to alcohol.

My MFClife experience has been quite moving. I was well aware of how manic I was from the lack of sleep and level of elation, also knowing that a crash would follow. Models, their light and positivity constantly remind me which direction is the higher ground. I need to be more aware of my thoughts because I am poisoning myself. It is impacting my experience on cam so much it's toxic and I am tired of feeling insecure, inadequate, and subpar. That's why I could no longer be friends with someone who's actions made me feel just that.

I shouldn't need someone to make me feel better. People's actions shouldn't dictate my emotions PERIOD. I need to not let others dictate how I feel about myself. Maybe it's time to grow up, do that adulting thing people try to do.

I don't think I can start being a fully functioning adult, until I truly start loving myself. Because as much as I love to "fake it till I make it", to some extent, that's also a really fancy and fluffy way to say, "I'm in denial".

I don't want to just get by, live or be like "The mass of men", in the Thoreau quote and lead a life "of quiet desperation". I want to thrive.

It's easy to idolize camgirls because you see what we want you to see, and then it gets harder to admit that we are not perfect.

I still feel like a kid in a grown up world, lost, confused, unsure, but I'm not helping myself by being so hard on myself.

Still trying to remember that Ghandi said in a very long winded way, that changing destiny starts with changing thoughts...

👻 Bubspinkbubble: Mfc.im/winter_xo Takeover

👻 Bubspinkbubble: Mfc.im/winter_xo Takeover

10/12/16 First day of Winter_xo's two day takeover! 

Here's her twitter https://twitter.com/Winter_MFC
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This is a FREE and private snapchat used to promote models who want to expand their fanbase. I don't charge the guys nor girls for this nor do I profit in any monetary way, hence I do not tolerate texts/pics/videos being sent to this account. Those are privileges that come with purchasing my personal snapchat. But when girls are doing a takeover, whether or not they desire the communication, it is up to them. But hopefully you will respect their time as you respect mine and get their personal snapchat.

This can only be viewed by those who add this account.

Models please contact me via twitter https://twitter.com/allaboutbubbles for takeover inquiries!

Day 4: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/12/16

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Day 3: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/10/16-10/11/16

👻: BubsBunnies

Day 3: Don't judge others on how they spend their money. Don't let other's judge you. Cost-Benefit Analysis is important when you are self-employed. Sometimes hiring professional help is the best way to do something you may never get to without the hired aid. Be mindful and be careful of who you tell about your job or where you live.

Next: Camgirl Shopping 101
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After 6 years on cam, I find that I get comfortable & lazy. Thanks to the advice from BubsBunnies I'm reminded to go back to the beginning or the basics.

Trying to kick off a little side project so that we can learn from each other. I'm seeking answers by sharing knowledge from the collective.

Twitter: http://twitter.com/BubsBunniesSnap

Bubbles.life

Day 2: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/09/16-10/10/16

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Useless Talent #34

Something to break up the tone by providing some art videos!

Here's a compilation of some videos but not limited to all of the PaintNite videos.

My artwork is available http://bubspinkbubble.blogspot.com/p/art.html

I always say that everyone is an artist, just have to find your medium. PaintNite is pretty awesome because painting plus booze? What more can an alcoholic artist ask for? This is a really good way to get out of the nest to do something social and fun.

Music my various artists.

Day 1: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/08/06

👻: BubsBunnies

After 6 years on cam, I find that I get comfortable & lazy. Thanks to the advice from BubsBunnies I'm reminded to go back to the beginning or the basics.

Trying to kick off a little side project so that we can learn from each other. I'm seeking answers by sharing knowledge from the collective. The first day has been interesting. Funny I just like bunnies and that's why I use the filters, didn't realize it corresponded with the snapchat name too... haha.

Twitter: http://twitter.com/BubsBunniesSnap

Bubbles.life

My Cam Story from MFClife 👻

I wasn't sure but it seemed like it got cut off on MFClife? I wish I could have included that part about MFC teaching me to dance like I do in my underwear inside out in public.

It actually happened to me in Ohio, I was dancing in the bar, my idol Stoya was there, my crush Babe, all the models, and when I was dancing, I felt it and I thought to myself, "OMG this is how I dance when I'm at home on cam." I've had guys try to hit on me with the pick up line, "How often do you dance around by yourself in our underwear". I laughed at him and I thought to myself, "Every fucking day." I don't think there's any job that let's you do that....

Shooting the Tennis Ball off the String Again

Bubs MFC Snap Ladies:

When MFC made a snapchat, my initial reaction was there are 365days/yr, and thousands of models. We would have to share it a little so that we can give more models face time.

Then I started thinking about my hypothetical takeover, who I would share my day with. I originally wanted to share it with my two closest cam friends: Sky and Hubs.

Then when MFC ask for "a short creative video",  and MyFreeCams later asked me to do a takeover:

I started thinking about the models in my life who make me who I am, and models who I admire, and admire for multiple reasons. I went through the list of models on my profile. I looked at the thread of models who submitted a creative short video because these are ladies who want to get it. I checked out ladies who've retweeted my #freethenipple picture (StefanieJoy, ScarletRaven, SilverCowgirl, JennyBlighe) because some models see retweets as promoting other models and they don't retweet others.

(This list is not limited to these ladies because I did not have a chance to ask everyone while others also turned me down. This is just a more detailed explanation of how the list of my snap day came together).

1. WildeSky and I are friends in our personal lives. I say this because we spend more of our time together off cam than on cam. Same goes for my friendship with Mel. Despite how we are all camgirls, when I hangout with either of these ladies, we rarely cam together. WildeSky and I are friends because she has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I empathize with her sensitivity, and we are very similar in many ways. She's helped me through 2 deaths this year, and my stalker issue. Despite all that I know she has going on in her own life, she always stops to ask me, "How are you". That is something I need to work on: talking less about me. 
2. JennyBlighe- While Jenny is huge in the camworld being a former MissMFC, amongst one of many achievements. Her content is unique. I started out as a fan, but she didn't treat me like a fan, she treated me like an equal, and didn't judge me by my camscore. I admire her grace when it comes to what she has going on in her personal life. So I really wanted to ask her a few questions about it to give people more insight beyond her hotness. 
3. BabeVonDetta- she's just a babe what can I say? Her kisses be like whoa! We also got acquainted during the same game of all girl Spin the Bottle. Between her sense of humor, which literally makes me write, "Laughed Out Loud" vs LOL, her strength and her off cam life. I like her honesty. She's honest to her room about her personal life, and honest about her job to people in her personal life. That's not easy to do. It's not easy to tell your cam room yeah I'm dating, have a bf, or husband. It's not easy telling your friends/family yeah I'm a camgirl. (You've heard my story, and heard how that's gone for me when I have been honest). 
4. StefanieJoy- I really admired her when she shared her story with me and a group of girls during a game of all girl Spin the Bottle at Exxxotica Ohio. I came back feeling so renewed from the connections I formed in Ohio. I wrote a blog about the social stigma of camming. Stef replied, no one ever does, and she shared her story in the comment area. I admire her strength, I know she loves this industry and she works really hard. I wanted her to be able to share her bravery, be recognized for her hardships, and overcoming them.
5. RedChasten- I've watched online before Exxxotica Ohio for her hooping on cam, but I forgot her screen name so it took me a day to introduce myself to her. During that same game of all girl Spin the Bottle, Red told us about her and her friend Kate being "outed" to their WHOLE town! I've always wanted to live in a small town but... 
6. Miss_Lollipop- I looked at the thread of model submissions, because obviously these are girls who want it. There, Lacey/Miss_lollipop's video popped out, but I remembered how I first found out about Lacey. A very public New York Times article about camming. I added her and throughout the years, seen things like animal shelter projects, her project https://twitter.com/CammodelExpress which is a business DEDICATED to HELPING models. 
7. ScarletRaven- I've just always love her campaign about spreading positivity and #pussypower. Her comment on the lack of comradery kind of nailed what I was going for when it came to why choose these ladies. These ladies have a selfless quality that I admire and strive for. 
8. SilverCowgirl- Ella was my wildcard, because admittedly it started with someone commenting on my #freethenipple picture and it directed me her way. From there I saw her retweet, and just really dug everything about her. She's creative, fun, and has a very similar and familiar sense of dorky humor. Yet she's cultured and deep. 

Experience, passion, positivity and heart is not defined by rank, camscore, following, or even duration as a cam model. 

We've been going in circles thanking each other. I choose these ladies as my way to thank them for what they do. They keep thanking me but this was my way to thank them for setting a good example in our community.

We've spent about 4 days in a group chat with each other and that experience in itself, the stories we've shared with each other. We are all impacted by it. Thank you all for taking time to watch to much content.

Let's all #payitforward spread positivity and sincerity. Guys may not be able to tell when you are naked on cam, but your colleagues can. My sensitivity is a blessing and a curse, but it makes me attuned to kind/generous/positive people vs selfish/negative people.

I will probably have to make another post about the whole impact it's had to me but that is too fresh right now. I'm still just feeling the feels and don't know how to describe in words yet.

Women like AmberCutie (her forum but don't know her), AliceBiscuit (love her music but I think she is a little MIA), AustinWhite (unique burlesque/latex life), AstroDomina (unique DomLife but doesn't cam as much), Christy_love (works so hard and always smiles), VeronicaChaos (just so creative), came to mind but for different reason I did not get a chance to ask, but shoutout!

I tried asking ForestBonnie for her amazing body paint work, TNR work for stray cats in the city, she makes amazing profiles and lives with a roommate who also cams! She's super creative and I'm happy she got to showcase their MFClife!

Candid:

This is my favorite photo from the set because it captured exactly how I felt on the inside. When I'm shooting I go from pose to pose, but it makes me feel kind of dorky and awkward inside because I feel funny trying to be all "sexy". So when I'm on set, in between poses my photographers will randomly catch a snap that truly captures me as a person. 

Gandhi:

"Don't speak if you don't have anything nice to say." That has to be one of the first lessons we learn as kids. It's hard for me to figure out why that's changed so much with the internet at our fingertips. 

Doesn't matter who you are, you have a voice. Be mindful of what you say with that voice. You can choose to spread positivity or negativity. No one is perfect, but we can try harder to be more aware of the impact we have on others. 

I constantly catch myself being negative, then I have to change my thought process to be more positive. This is the background I have on my home screen as a constant reminder that we can always change with one small step at a time. 

As a camgirl, I know that it takes a warrior with a strong AND soft heart to do what we do. Thanks to the amazing women I know & love, I learn to be stronger everyday. I cannot buy the type of personal growth I have gained from my job as a camgirl anywhere else.